Dear Lexi – Kindergarten is not for babies

Dear Lexi,

We are a full month into Kindergarten. Let me state this for the record: shit got real in Kindergarten. This stuff is not for babies. The actual school day and work: EASY PEASY as you say. But figuring out schedule – what works – what doesn’t? Also, what do you have against lunch that you don’t eat half of it? GIVE ME A CLUE. It is a challenge.  It makes those days when it was really awful that you woke up at both 2:30am and 5:00am to eat look dreamy.

We tried the after school program and it didn’t work. You sobbed. It was actually worse than that. It was one of my lowest days of being me I think I’ve ever had. We were standing outside the school and you were sobbing – clinging to me like I was sending you in for torture and you were sobbing and you said: All the other parents pick up their kids – why do you have to work – why don’t I get a Mommy that picks me up – I’m a good listener aren’t I Mommy? Lexi, if you ever wonder if I hear you – please know this: I HEAR YOU. It was one of the swiftest gut kicks I’ve ever received.

I left the school – slipped on my sun glasses and cried back to my desk.

Now before I go into how we resolved this I want you to know something: I am the luckiest girl in the entire world. I make sure of it. I’m going to go ahead and repeat that:

I am the luckiest girl in the entire world. I make sure of it.

There’s no passive in that statement my love and if you have luck one day you’ll know that that is FACT.  You can be the luckiest – feel like the luckiest – know that you are the most lucky person in the world only if you make it so. Make it so. Life gets great when you do. Lets add a comma in there and see how that shifts: Life gets great, when you do.  Get great. Do that.

I decided that we weren’t going to do the after school program anymore.  That was your last day (for this year). One of the reasons  I started my own business – the reason we moved to Rochester – the purpose of how I structure my work deliverables is entirely built so that I get to be the very best Mom to you that I can be.  So I decided that I would be picking you up from school. I would take that 40 minutes a day and be the one that gets you – that sees the work – that hears about what special you had – that hands you a juice box and a snack and finds out who did what at lunch.  Does every Mom get to make that decision? Nope. That is just not the case. And it may not be the case for me always either. And because I recognize the GIFT that that opportunity is I must cease it. So now I pick you up from school and we skip home. And you love Kindergarten. And you are back to my happy little girl with some new sass from your new school environment.

I tell you this for a few reasons.

  • Sometimes you’re going to face a situation and you’re going to think that you can’t fix it – the norm – or society – or what you’ve always done is going to stand directly in front of you and you’re going to think that you just need to find a way to deal.  And sometimes that will be true.  And sometimes it won’t and you’ll find that the choice to fix it RIGHT NOW is one of the best choices you’ve ever made.
  • There are sacrifices in  my decision – and there will be in yours too know what those sacrifices are going into things and you’ll be a lot happier with the result because you’ll expect them.
  • Find a way: If something is important – find a way.  It might not seem like it but there truly really always is a way. (there might be sacrifices – see above)
  • “It’s never a good idea to put off solving a problem.” -My girl Amy Rau of GreenGirlPress I can’t tell you how grateful I am that she shared these words with me the day of the epic meltdown.

I love that you teach me to be present – to be in the moment. I love that when you see a hill your instinct is to roll down it – to run down it –  to assess how good it will be for sledding. I love how you twirl my hair when we’re talking the way you did when you were a baby. I love this little girl you’re turning into – even when you are sent to your room and I’m on “that’s 3″.

This is one of my favorite pictures of all time. Taken by George; it’s of you and me and the dogs at the bottom of the hill – post roll.  Life can be so amazingly perfect, simple and great.  I hope you remember more of these afternoons and less of the “go to your rooms” – I know I will.

Lex, bug, the beetle, doodle, my girl, tonto villa? Your heart it is so loved- just like you are.

To the moon and back (a gajillion times – or 11 as you say),

Mommy

 

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  1. […] *What inspired this?  Tonight I had a case of malaise. A day of juggling work + Lexi being home with a snow day + living in between locations + feeling the weight of every holiday indulgence + the pressure = near tears. Which is CRAZY to me because I am about as lucky as a girl can get. […]