Wow – so I woke up this morning and it’s February already…and I’m all “how’d that happen” because isn’t January the longest month ever and it didn’t seem so long to me…minus the sick, the sick seems to linger forever.  I kind of thought that I’d like to write a book this year….I even talked to a few people about it.  I’m reconsidering I don’t think my idea was that original (after reading The Happiness Project (which is a great read)) and while I’d been working on the book thing I was neglecting this blog thing – and I like the blog better then the hypothetical if I were to ever finish it book.  So I’m going to share some of what I have with you.

The premise is taking on a single resolution a month.  January my resolution was to turn off the tv before I fall to sleep – take five deep breaths.  Be still.  So here’s some of what I’ve got:

December 30th - Okay – it’s technically not January yet – it’s December 30th and I’m so excited at the prospect of this little adventure – but lets be honest about something for a second.  It’s taking a lot of willpower to not try to take all of these on at once.  I don’t believe for one second that I would be successful at all (or any) of them if I did this…but the urge is strong.  Someone once joked that I couldn’t be given a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle because I would have to stay up to get it finished and if that meant 3 days then it would be 3 days.  They were right.  It’s the quiet that settles in around me when there is nothing to do….it’s unsettling.  I wonder how I should fill that 3 minutes, hour, day, week.  I have no idea how to just be.

January 2nd – This five deep breaths thing is going to be difficult – it’s not the breathing part (I manage to do that with very little effort at all) it’s the not thinking part.  Go ahead.  Take a second and take five deep breaths – around breath three you know what I think about – Mayonnaise and how we don’t have enough in the fridge and shouldn’t I just quickly grab a pen and write that down because I may never remember and then I’ll want Tuna Salad and that will be impossible because there is just not enough Mayonnaise.  I haven’t managed to get to five deep breaths without thinking of something that I should be doing, buying, eating, finding or cleaning yet….but by the end of the month I believe I will get there.

January 5th – Yeah, I’m easily distracted.  I think I may be working TOO hard at getting to breathe three…I’m doing lots of breathing though and that’s a good thing – I think I may be sleeping a bit better too because I’m falling asleep without the distraction of the television.

January 12th – I am realizing that while I miss the companionship of someone else in my physical space I do like the quiet and peace that comes with being alone.  As I get up to walk Mandy at night it’s very easy – there is no game of rock paper scissors to determine who will do things….I will do it all – and while it is a lot, it’s easier in some ways because there is no push back, there is no bitterness of how someone else could just LAY there while I’m doing everything.  It’s just me and when the kitchen is clean, the toys are put away, the door is locked and everyone else is sleeping I find that I can get a really true exhale.

January 18th - I’m irritated.  As I was getting dressed yesterday I realized that all the clothing was just a little too tight for my liking.  I also realized that I’m not feeling good and I’m not sleeping well and I’m generally anxious and just well…on edge.  I cut the meat starting today.  My body does not like it when I eat meat….I get sick…I feel worn down.  It’s a nasty set of feelings.

January 25th - I’m sick.  I realize that I complain a lot.  I hate that.  I’m ready for spring.  The dog smells, the house is hot and I’m sick.  I’m not breathing.  Who has time to breath?  Who the hell wants to be in their head for five whole deep breaths?  It’s painful

January 30th - I’ve got to stick with this.  I have to commit myself to continue trying this – I really feel like I’m on a path here with the breathing…I’ve moved beyond thoughts of mayo and I’m thinking big things like “am I fulfilled” “am I proud of the mom I was today” “what could you not do tomorrow that didn’t bring any pleasure to you today”.  The thoughts are leading me in a direction.  I’m going to keep this up.  I am.  Maybe it will be the first thing I ever really stick to.  Wow – admitting that feels really awful and also freeing.

February….the resolution is: Dance every single day – it’s good to shake it.