I’m in a bad mood.  I’m lucky – blah blah blah.  But still I’m in a bad mood.  So let me share with you my thoughts as I’m going through five inboxes this morning:

E-mail 1 – I’m not going to respond because the moment I press send you’ll get it in your inbox and you’ll respond in a hot second to get rid of my e-mail and then I’ll have to deal with you all over again.  And I don’t want to.  So I’m not responding.  I may never respond. 

E-mail 2 – Moron.  

E-mail 3 – Seriously, you want me to do something?  It’s Thursday of a holiday week.  You’re not doing anything.  I can almost webcam into your house – I see that you’re actually marinating fruit for a Sangria right now.  But you’re delegating.  Seriously?  

E-mail 4 – I don’t need viagra.  

E-mail 5 – I’ll save this “needs critical thought” email for a day when I have the capacity to critically think.  Or maybe later.  I think later I will be ready for this.  Later it is.

E-mail 6 – Don’t e-mail me to say you’re sorry.  There is a difference between being sorry and BEING sorry.  You’re BEING sorry.  When you ARE sorry then you do things so that you don’t have to SAY you’re sorry.  And you’re not doing things and you’re not sorry.  BUT YOU ARE SORRY.  So don’t e-mail me with your sorry anymore.  

E-mail 7 – Oooo a sale.  

E-mail 8 – I still don’t need viagra.  I don’t need mood enhancers.  I don’t need anything to get me in the mood.  ACTUALLY.  I do need something to get me in the mood.  Something is defined as being kind, not complaining, picking up dirty clothing, doing laundry, picking up a dirty plate - rinsing it – putting it in the dishwasher,  tucking in your chair after dinner, giving me a hug without the eyebrow question, did I mention being kind?  So yeah, I DO need something to get me in the mood.

E-mail 9 – Quote: ‘If “roast” is the first word that comes to mind when you hear “rump,” it’s time to get up off yours.’ So what you’re saying is you want me to mark this as Spam?  Is that the goal of that line?  Who doesn’t think of Roast when you say Rump?

Here are ways to not start a morning:

• Wake up to grunting baby while you think about working today.
• It’s 5am so you feed your child with the intention of her going back to sleep. But she doesn’t.
• Shower while she dozes but while you’re rinsing out the shampoo the screaming starts.
• Get dressed while you’re practically still wet making clothing that are already on the tight side VERY difficult to get on.
• Change a REALLY dirty diaper – we were moments from a blowout.
• Fold laundry while holding a child to have her spit up on the only thing that would be a giant pain to re-wash…the sheets.
• Your cats are stalking you because “they hungry”.
• Walk downstairs with screaming baby because she wants to eat again.
• Notice cat puke on the edge of where the carpet meets hardwood floor- I don’t think I need to tell you which side the cat puked on.
• Try to feed the cats one handed while wrangling still screaming baby.
• Drop the cat dish on the floor.
• Glass Shatters.
• Deposit baby in swing to continue to scream.
• Clean up floor and finally feed the cats.
• Make a cup of coffee – but forget to put in a new coffee pod. Now I have to refill the water resevior. Gahhhh

The day did improve from there….a bit. The entire day I was thinking about a clever post of “Cass and the really awful, horrible, no good day” but it wasn’t the whole day and I was grateful about that so I went with bullets instead. Today, thanks goodess, is starting MUCH better.

I’m struggling with life right now and this morning there was a moment where Lexi was screaming, about 15 things were half done around the house, I was hungry because I didn’t have time for breakfast yet, the cats are circling me like fresh tuna because they need more dry food and the FH left to work on a Saturday and I’m screaming into the phone “I can’t fucking do this by myself. I can’t fucking do it.” And then I picked up Lexi and she calmed down and I broke down in the rocking chair and cried and cried and cried. I’m feeling alone. I’m not alone, I have a lot of support. But I feel alone.

I love my baby. I love being her Mom. I love the quiet times we spend together. I love the walks we take with her strapped to me. I don’t think this is PPD because everything with Lexi is awesome. It’s the rest of my life I’m struggling with. Maybe this is PPD – who the hell knows.

My house is a mess and I am a neat/clean freak. I’ve called literally 18 cleaning people/places to try to get help and I get one answering service after another, one lady blew me off and five people are taking the next two weeks off and couldn’t come in to give me an estimate until September 12th. What the hell is that? Can’t I just call a team of people to come in and clean my freaking house – money isn’t an object here people. I’d pay a lot of money for a sparkly clean house right now – the “right now” part is the key.

My body is still not my own and I know it’s only been a few weeks but this is tough. None of my pre-maternity shirts fit over my milk factories. Do I go and buy shirts? Do I wait? I’m a huge fan of the summer dress but I can’t wear them because it’s not really appropriate to basically strip down multiple times a day to feed the baby. My pre-baby pants are not comfortable to wear, I don’t want to spend money on new pants in a size that I hope to wear for as little time as possible. And I really don’t want to wear maternity pants still because my baby is on the outside now – but I am and that makes me feel awful too.

There is no real daytime schedule in my house right now and that is a struggle for me because I thrive with schedule. Here’s the main rub: I’m a morning person – I’m most effective in the morning at getting things done. So is Lexi – she wants to be my personal accessory strapped to me alla kangaroo all morning. Well I can’t get everything done that way. She sleeps most of the afternoon away and I’m just not that motivated in the afternoon. She wakes up from her nap – we hang out. The FH finally gets home and then it’s time for me to make dinner, pick up dinner and then it’s bedtime all over again. I had been working towards a daily outing with Lexi but last night we tried to go out to dinner and she screamed like I was personally torturing her the entire 20 minutes there and back. Nothing kills me mood, nerves, ability to think rationally like a screaming baby that I can’t help in any possible way.

The other piece of the puzzle is the FH but if I’m being really honest that stuff doesn’t belong on a blog – it belongs on a couch in some therapists office. Too bad I can’t count on him to be anywhere when he says he’ll be there.

I’m not sure I want comments as much as I didn’t want this swirling around in my head.

I’ve been spending a lot of energy lately to focus on whatever it is I’m doing in that moment. My ability to focus has been crowded by this baby and is making it very difficult to find focus for a time period that extends a four minute window. Incidentally, a lot can not be done in 4 minutes of focus. Like work for example. Work, is very difficult to accomplish in 4 minute windows…sure it could be done but wouldn’t it be better to wait until you had say a 10 minute window of focus…you may be waiting indefinitely though which makes it a dangerous game of chicken. And yet, I play this game of chicken.

It seems that people do not know the right thing to say to me….or perhaps it is me that doesn’t like what anyone has to say…lets assume it’s everyone else that is in the wrong. Here are some examples of irritation:

• Cass calls the FH to complain about being… (one could easily insert anything after that being… sometimes it’s irritated, unchallenged, unmotivated, bored, hot, tired, uncomfortable, disgusted, hungry…it could be any number of things.) The FH says “What do you want me to do about it?” in a huffy puffy voice. Well FH I want you to listen. That’s what I want you to do. Whatever the problem of the moment is I want you to ACKNOWLEDGE that yes it IS a problem and say a few aha’s and RECOGNIZE that you have NO ability to actually make ANYTHING better but what you can do is bring home dinner promptly at 7pm so you offer to do that. Without complaining, without further prompts or pleading and you do it ON TIME. You also recognize that I don’t want to ALSO make YOUR dinner so you act agreeable and get something to eat too because it’s a giant PAIN in the ASS to have to make YOUR dinner while my dinner gets colder.
• The neighbor asks when I’m due for about the 80th time. Now I don’t really care that you don’t remember the date…you’re not on my list of people that I care about either. But here’s the thing. When I say the date don’t then go in to telling me that because it’s a girl and because it’s my first baby that it’s likely it will be at least a few weeks AFTER that date. Don’t tell me that ever…and for goodness sake don’t tell me after the 80th time of asking me when I’m due. It will be embarrassing for you to have to see me everyday knowing that a very pregnant women kicked the shit out of you and left you on the grass to be blown away by the leaf blowers.
• Stop pointing out the obvious. Captian Obviouso is no ones best friend so there is ZERO reason for you to fill his shoes. This should eliminate the following phrases:
• Wow, you’re really getting big.
• Are you sure there is only ONE baby?
• A little girl…that’s great. Do you have a lot of pink?
• So do you think you’ll ever lose all the weight?
• Gosh you’re just gigantic.
• You look really uncomfortable.

Dear June 9th-

I don’t like you. I don’t like that you’re a Monday, that I have to work, that I didn’t spend 15 hours this weekend working so you’re making today SUCK so bad that I’m considering retirement from this crap. I like NOTHING about today. NOTHING. Take your 96 degree temperature and go bake somewhere.

Screw You,
Cass

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Dear McDonalds -

Can I suggest you start a delivery network. I would do just about anything to have a 1/4 pound cheeseburger, french fries, a diet coke and one of those apple pie things delivered to my door right about now. The idea of going to your location is just not going to work for the following reasons:

1. It is just too hot to go outside.
2. I have bad road rage and it’s not really safe for me to go out when I’m this hungry.
3. Gas prices are high enough that I actually think about these little ventures.
4. I have too much work to wait in lines.
5. Admitting to driving in this heat to McDonalds is just too much for me.

Please alert me when the delivery network is established.
Best-
Cass
__________________________________________________________________

Dear Lexi -

Let’s talk about this whole estimated date of arrival thing. The thing is, and you’ll learn this about me, I’m a little bit of a control freak and the idea that you could just pick ANY day out of the blue from June 26th – July 19th has me just a teeny bit on edge. I’m really going to need a three day window, feel free to share this information with me in any of the following ways:

• Morse Code – I will need to learn it but give me a day and I will have this mastered.
• Blue Birds – if one strikes up a conversation with me I will not check myself into an institution I will simply listen for your 3 day window.
• Moses – not sure how I feel about the whole Moses thing. But for you, I will listen. Arks, floods, heat waves, locusts, whatever….just give me a window.
• Dreams – have that lovely women come back into my dream again and just give me a confirmation on this whole concept of June delivery with just a touch more specific information.
• Hold up a sign or fingers or something. Thursday I go to the doctor if you could make a sign or hold up fingers or something so that I get the message that would be great.

I promise that if you provide this three day window that I will not beg you to narrow the window down further – three days is perfect…unless of course you plan on coming at the very end of the third day which would be cruel and not very nice considering I plan on being your primary source of fuel.

Much love and can’t wait to see you-
Mommy
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Dear Weather Person -

The reality is no one ever believes you…you’re wrong so frequently that its really not even important if you get it right sometimes…because odds are that occasionally anyone could guess the weather correctly. So here’s the thing. LIE. Just lie to me. Tell me it’s going to be cooler tonight, don’t tell me the low for the DAY and the NIGHT is 82. Don’t tell me that because it really bums me out. Just lie today and then tomorrow give yourself a little moment to say “ooops, that silly Mother Nature never follows the plan”.

Thanks-
Hot as Hell pregnant women in Westchester

I was thinking about TFT all day yesterday and it turns out that I can’t actually have a thought when I’m as anxious as I am. I’ve always been a pretty anxious person….sometimes I call it worry and other times I call it plain freaking out. Usually my response to this anxiety is to plan for the best, plan for the most likely and then think about the worst case scenario so that I could develop a plan if I needed to. The issue is that my worst case scenario’s are all so awful that I get hung up on them and they spur more anxiety. Seeing as my planning isn’t working I’m going to subject you all to my list of “Doom”. I get that this is for my benefit and probably not at all interesting to you – so mark as read and don’t have a second thought about it.

1. Mom and Grandma are coming today and there is SO much still that I wanted to have done before. And it’s not done. And I ran myself like crazy yesterday from 4-9pm to try to get it all done and when I tried to relax at 9 the FH was finally home and in an awful mood from the day and had me up “talking” ie LISTENING to him complain for about an hour….I don’t want to be un-supportive but I just don’t have any more to listen to. It’s always all about “him” he didn’t ask how I was until I prompted him and then he just tuned me out entirely and starting thinking about the next thing he needed to say. I felt really alone and disappointed and it sucked.
2. Work is stressing me out. A lot of people are trying to get things wrapped up and kicked off before I leave and I’m feeling a bit like an island – I want to be giving my best but I know that I’m not operating at top Cass level….I’m at about 90% so I’m compensating with hours. Lots of them. Plus with my desk and everything right in my living room it’s difficult to just sit and relax and watch tv when I know that I could be accomplishing something.
3. We have our 3D ultrasound on Saturday with all the Mom’s coming. I was talking to Pocklock about this before she had hers earlier this week and she made me feel a little bit better by telling me that she was stressed about it but I’m still feeling stressed about it. The What If questions just continue to fill my brain; what if she’s not a Lexi and she’s and Alexander, what if she turned around again and is now back to sitting like a lady, what if I see the cord wrapped around her neck, what if she doesn’t cooperate and I don’t get confirmation on her four limbs, and here’s the worst one….what if I see that something is not right….and this one keeps on coming until she’s in my arms….what if I did something wrong…I scooped the litter a couple of times while the FH was away…I wore gloves but what if. It has been my job and my job alone to keep her safe and perfect and what if I failed – this little girl deserves the very best of everything and what if I failed her. What if I was so busy working and stressing about stuff that doesn’t even matter that I somehow have caused damage to my little girl. How would I live with myself?
4. You can’t get that far into the anxiety circle before you pull out the “any one of us could die” card. People die. It’s the only certainty in life – sometimes you know its coming and sometimes you just don’t and the path that’s left in your wake is completely your responsibility.
5. On top of all of those big things I have little things that are weighing on my mind like invoices and bills and returning shirts to Old Navy and going to the post office for stamps and setting up a new computer at the FH’s office and manicures and shower thank you notes and on. and on. and on. Like dishes and laundry – it seems I’m always DOING them – they never GET DONE. There’s never been a point without a single item that needed to be in this cycle, dirty, washed, dried, folded, put away. I just want it all to be DONE at one point. And I want to live in that moment. Yesterday as I was going crazy cleaning and as I put the clean sheets on two different beds I thought “laundry is done” and then I smelled myself and realized the outfit I was wearing was in fact DONE but in a whole new way and the pants happen to be the most comfortable ones I have right now so sweet mother of pearl do I DO another load of laundry? And for the love of small children why is it that the cats need to sit on me increases exponentially as the humidity rises? WHY?

I feel better that it’s out. So if you did actually read this, have no fear about me jumping off a bridge today.

So. Let me tell you what happened on Wednesday at my house. The lawn crew had been out doing there lawn care routine to the excess that we’ve discussed before. I was upstairs folding and putting away the laundry and as I heard the blowers approaching the house I groaned. EHHHhhh ENOUGH with the freaking BLOWERS already. So I’m folding the laundry and all of the fire alarms (because they are on a loop for safety measures) start going off. It’s PIERCING. Turns out when I went upstairs to fold the laundry I had left the front door open so that there was just a screen between my home and the blowers. And these MORON blower guys BLEW all the dust, fumes, dried bugs, grass clippings INTO my house THROUGH the screen door.

Now if they didn’t have on the industrial ear muffs they would have heard me cursing them off…not that they speak a word of english so they probably wouldn’t have understood WHAT I was saying but they would have at least HEARD and seen from my face that I was PISSED. It took three full minutes (no exaggeration – actual 3 minutes) for the fire alarms to turn off from the fumes. And I still haven’t gotten around to dusting and cleaning every surface in our downstairs. I was pissed and I think fairly so.

So I call our Management company and because they are NEVER available I had to leave a message. The message went like this “the lawn crew blew all kinds of crap into my house through my screen door causing not only a huge mess but the fumes caused the fire alarms to go off for a very long time. I would like the company to cover the cost of a cleaning service to clean up the huge mess that they made while they very clearly blew everything into my home. I will be available on my cell phone all day tomorrow – if you happen to get this today please call me on my home line.”

So you know those giant pansy assed morons called my home phone yesterday when they KNEW I wouldn’t be home. He said “I understand the situation. What would you like me to do about it.”

So I just called back and had to leave another message because they NEVER work and said “I very clearly stated in my message that I wanted them to PAY money to have a cleaning service clean up THEIR mistake. If this is something you can not make happen please say so – but please don’t insult me by asking me “what I’d like you to do about it” because I’ve told you – twice now.”

And no. I’m not freaking calm. I’m 33 weeks pregnant with a huge mess on my hands and I’m surrounded by morons that I pay $358.00 in COMMON CHARGES to so that they HANDLE this shit. SO HANDLE IT.

If you’re avoiding doing something and you have been for the last two weeks and 7 hours and that thing has to be done by 3am EST which is about 8 hours away and if you actually just DID said thing it would take you about 90 minutes…but you don’t want to. So you don’t. If you’re in that situation you’re clearly procrastinating. The things that you do in that space of time do you say that’s what you do TO procrastinate or is that what you do WHILE you procrastinate?

Either way, let’s take a look at the ways that I have taken my procrastination to a new level:

1. Re-write the list of things to do- this is really easing into the procrastination…..it’s on the outer edge it may not even be procrastination yet. You may just enjoy doing it.
2. Reading every post in your blog reader
3. Going back to posts that you’ve starred to re-read or to really read when you were just trying to get through your blog reader
4. Clean out Inbox
5. Clean out your Deleted Items folder
6. Organize your folders
7. Archive
8. Evaluate if your list should be on one list – or maybe you should use some of your NEW post-it note index cards (because the Sheer ones were literally NO where to be found) to separate the lists into more functional groupings.
9. Figure out if you can ask a vendor that works with you ALL the time that happens to be IN Canada if she’s seen the Sheer Post-its and if she would mind picking you up a few cases and shipping them over to the state side of life.
10. Decide that’s probably a bit much to ask and then start to think about the handful of people that read my blog that LIVE in Canada and see if I could put such a task on one of them.
11. Think about what to have for dinner. Nothing is low sodium that I want.
12. Think about what you’ll say to the nurse tomorrow morning when you get on the scale – does it sound better to say “I had Chinese food last night so I’m sure it’s a lot of water weight” or “Maybe the Chinese food last night wasn’t such a good idea.” or “HOW did THAT number GET THERE?!?!!” I think I’m going to go with that last one and I’m going to act REALLY surprised and outraged at the NERVE of her scale.
13. Decide that the list really should be multiple lists.
14. Sort the recycling
15. Wash the down comforters
16. Take the laundry directly out of the dryer when the buzzer beeps, fold the laundry and then put it away….all in a row. This is NEVER been done at my house before.
17. While putting the toilet paper away realize that it would be more efficient if you stored it outside of it’s container so you’re not wrestling with it with your pants down because your husband is not capable of changing the toilet paper…not sure the exact reason but he just can. not. do. it.
18. Empty the De-humidifer from the basement – decide to fill up the watering cans with this water to water the plants on the deck and around the house.
19. Break down the boxes that are in the hallway and take them out to the recycling bin.
20. Empty all the garbage cans in the house and then decide the vacuum cleaner bag probably needs to be changed. Do all of that and then take the garbage out.
21. Wash the top of the washing machine and dryer.
22. Feed the cats.
23. Write a few thank you notes.
24. Go on the USPS website to see if there are prettier stamps you could use.
25. Order your Chinese food and realize that the delivery will take 45 minutes and it makes NO sense to start working on the project before dinner – I should wait until after I eat dinner for sure.
26. Consider renting a movie ondemand to have on the background while doing the project…that would make it better….or would that take away my focus. Hmmmm.
27. Remember that you had bought white spray paint so that you could re-paint that heating vent in the bathroom that’s a little rusty – get all the stuff out for this so the FH can do it for you when he gets back on Friday.
28. Plan what you’re going to wear tomorrow while fretting that you HAVE to get this project DONE and that you’ll have to wake up early to shower tomorrow before the doctor and do your hair too so really you should start work on the project NOW and try to get 1/2 done before your dinner.
29. Decide to write a blog post about your procrastination.
30. Think about what you’re going to do with the weekend it’s Thursday already tomorrow so you’ve really been way to relaxed about not making ANY plans for the WHOLE weekend.
31. Remember to add pedicure and the like to the list because the shower is a week from Friday.
32. Look back at your list and see that you’ve forgotten to mention that you also emptied the dishwasher
33. And then reorganized the silverware drawer because it was ALL wrong.
34. I ALMOST forgot the blackout liner for Pocklock tomorrow – thank goodness I took a few minutes to review my lists to see what I needed to bring down with me tomorrow for the Doctors.
35. IM with Pocklock some more and realize that with less then 40 minutes until dinner is coming you couldn’t possibly start working. It would be awful to get going and then just get interrupted.
36. Look out window to see an adult walking something on a leash. Realize that something is actually a child…..how do I feel about this? I think about this for a while.
37. I turn my attention to the list that indicates what exactly needs to be done by 3am
38. I open the web browser to think about starting this work.
39. I think about ways to get an extension.
40. I think of GOOD reasons to NEED an extension.
41. I come up with nothing.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I love Post-Its. If I worked for 3M that would be incredible because I love them SO so so much. SO this morning I see these NEW post-it’s they are SHEER. So you can put them down and write on them and still see through to the text. I love this idea. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Ahem. They apparently are only available in Canada…even though they are on the 3M US LIST of available products. To which I say “are we American’s not good enough for your sheer Post-it’s? Is our life, liberty and pursuit of happiness not good enough for you ? Is this because we don’t have universal healthcare?!?!” Produce Post-it’s immediately. I’ve even searched online, called Staples and Office Maxx – I even considered going to TARGET even though we broke up. Where is the JUSTICE?!

If the subject line didn’t hit you hard enough the first time, I’ll say it again. I’m no longer in love with Target. I had an “experience” yesterday that was so awful that I no longer love Target…and I’m mourning this and also scrambling to figure out who will be my rebound.

This is what happened. Pocklock gave me this Baby Bargain book and I devoured the book on Friday evening and read that I should have 100 Newborn diapers and 400 Size 1 Diapers PRIOR to the baby being born so that I have enough on hand. Now I had the 100 newborn but I had a small 36 count of Size 1 Diapers. So I search online that night to see if there are any good sales going on and I see that Target has a sale for the big box at $19.99. That’s a pretty good price and I had a $1.50 coupon so I was heading to target Saturday morning to purchase the 400 diapers because I am neurotic and wouldn’t be able to function until this item was checked off the list because OMG we MUST be prepared as possible. This is like Hurricane Lexi and my need to prepare is up there with a Category 100.

So I go to Target and I see the sign for the $19.99 and there are about 15-20 packages of size 1 diapers at 156 count. This seemed bigger then I had expected but the sign said, there weren’t any other sized boxes and so I grabbed 2 boxes and figured I could pick up another 90 count at some point….this was a HUGE deal…because this lowered my freak out level to about a Category 60. I was practically relaxed.

So I shop, get a prescription, peanut butter, the usual. I get to the check out and the diapers ring up at $27.99. I ask the check out lady just to check because I thought they would be $19.99. The “baby manager” apparently comes up and she says “What’s your problem?” in a tone. And so I asked NICELY if these were ringing up correctly – because the sign and the ad I saw said they’d be $19.99 and she pointed to the count on the box and said “NO WAY – these are worth WAY more then $19.99 look how many are in here”. I said “okay, can you show me the ones that are on sale for the $19.99 because these were the only ones I saw.” And this is where I lose my shit. She said “well, probably you moved the boxes to get a cheaper price”. I had a moment where I looked around and felt my blood pressure rise to about HAVING A FREAKING COW level. So I said “Did you just say that to me. Did you just tell me, an 8 months pregnant women that I MOVED BOXES AROUND TO SAVE $8.00 on DIAPERS? DID YOU JUST ACCUSE ME OF BASICALLY STEALING FROM TARGET!?!?!! I spend HUNDREDS of dollars here each month. I do not need to STEAL from Target. I can’t believe you just went there” and she says “Well, you must have.” Let me tell you. I didn’t move those fucking diapers. So I go talk to the manager who clearly has NO clue at how to diffuse a situation. I explained to her that I didn’t ask them to HONOR the price. I simply asked them WHICH ones WERE on sale. I explained how insulted I was and how poorly this women handled the situation. To which she said “she clearly should have handled the situation differently.” NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

It took everything in me to not walk over to customer service return the things I just purchased there and to come home and return every TARGET item that I have EVER paid MY hard earned money for. And that’s how Target and I broke up. You may not know this about me but I’m not a big forgive/forget person. It’s in direct conflict with my inner self that says ONE MISTAKE leads to the NEXT mistake and forgetting is STUPID. This is not a global policy but it certainly applies here. I can’t even begin to count the thousands of dollars that Target is going to be missing out on. And now I need to find a rebound. Any suggestions? And would you have lost your shit? Am I just a raging hormone filled 8 month uncomfortable pregnant women?