November 30th: Let it all be possible.

The month is over.  Tomorrow will be December 1st.  I may be taking a step back from the blog for a few days – it may be longer.  I’ll be posting pictures but I may take a step back personally.   I need to create some space in my life to let all of these dreams (and the 167 that you didn’t see) happen.  I need to marinate.  I need to do some living to believe in the possibility of even the farthest reaching dreams.

I need to believe and dream in all of this being possible.  And I happen to think I do my best believing while sleeping.  So I’m going to try to do more of that.

Lexi playing the piano that I played growing up at my parents house this weekend.  Because I dream of teaching her to play on this piano too.

Dear Lexi-

Everything changed for me on July 29th when you were born. It started changing before you were born.  But then, that day, it was just different.  I changed.  Before you my success was most important – being a tough, serious, business person was it for me.  I was thinking about the biggest houses, in the best neighborhoods with little concern outside of our immediate needs.  And then it was different.

It’s not fair in some ways that I’ve changed.  I know that.  But I can’t change back.  Because now I’m your Mommy.  And you are the most important.  Making sure that you have the best childhood possible – being the best role model that I can be – putting the work down and reading to you – enjoying dinner with you and laughing and splashing during bath time.  That is most important now.  I still matter.  I do.  And I’m going to make sure that I am a role model that shows you that too.

More then anything Lexi – I want to make you proud.  I want you to walk across the floor at graduation (all of them starting in Pre-K all the way through med school if you want) and I want you to be proud of how I was your mother.  I love you my doodle.  I love you bigger then the sky and I would move mountains for you.  I just want to make you proud.

Mommy

November 27th: Go on a sail boat.

I’d really like to sail.
To go in the direction of the wind.
To feel the ocean mist dance through my hair.
Where my tears and the salty drops of sea mingle.

I’d really like to sail.

When I wrote my Mondo Beyondo list 8 weeks ago I put ‘need nothing’ on the list.  And in the last 8 weeks I’ve learned something so important – I need nothing.  I truly need not one thing.  I’m not sure what it was I felt I needed at the moment of writing the list.  Probably a waffle maker or something equally want worthy.  I guess that was my biggest problem – confusing wants with needs.  Making decisions on my wants over that of my needs.

Today I am just thank-full.  I sat here for two segments of The Backyardigans (I’m very thankful for them) and wrote sentence after sentence about just how thankful I am and it just doesn’t say it.  So I’m stopping, I’m looking you in the eye and I’m saying “Seriously, I’m thankful.  Really.  Thank Full.”

So it’s the 25th day – tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it’s been relatively easy to get to this point in this post every single day of the month.  Today’s post is about lustful stuff.  So Papa why don’t you go check out this site http://www.nikonusa.com/Learn-And-Explore/Nikon-School/index.page and pick out a class you’d like to attend for Christmas.  Love ya – see you Friday!  Seriously – stop reading.

Hi everyone!  (But Papa.)  There are a handful of items on my list that are lust related.  We’re going to hit all of them on one day (no pun intended – but – ha- hit all of them – ha.  I’m 14.)  I want to buy really beautiful, exquisite silk chamises.  When I’m wearing my jeans and a t-shirt and my casual sneakers I want to be a sexy mother underneath.  Like.  Sex-eeee.  And I want to feel that way – I want to be lusted after – dreamed of.  And I want to love myself naked.  Like really -appreciate the bod – feel the muscles – see the strength.  I want to look across the room – lock eyes and know that they wonder whats going on with me.  I’m certainly not starting from zero here – I have a strut and I’ve got some sexy going on but damn – I could feel so much sexier.

So tell me.  You feeling sexy?  Anything lust-full on your list?  And if not – what the hell are you doing?  Go add something right this second.

November 24th: Get a Tattoo

I started writing about my desire to have a tattoo.  I have had at least 50 different sentences – all of them sucked.  Sometimes in life you just want something.  It doesn’t require explanation, reasons, excuses or anything.  All that matters is desire.  I want a tattoo.  I’m not sure what I want which is why I don’t have one right now.  Part of me wants a Bee (I call Lexi my little Bee) but then I think I’ll need to get a tattoo for each child to be fair and what if it really hurts?  Then I think I’d like a little pink heart.  Or maybe the chinese symbol for Chicken and Broccoli….errr…I mean Breathe.

Tell me something that you want that requires no explanation, reason, excuse….

Last night I met Jerry Seinfeld.  It was on my Life List, the Mondo Beyondo anything is possible list, I’m not sure WHY I wanted to meet him – it’s not like I had anything to say – but I did and it happened.  And I can’t tell you how affirming it was.  This life of mine, full of adventure and good stuff is just happening all around me.  It felt almost magical last night.  I’m a believer in dreams.  I have hope, lots and lots of hope and now everything on my list – even the really out there stuff feels more possible, feels closer to coming to me.

November 21: Wander through street markets

I love street markets, the fresh fruits and vegetables and flowers, the pots of honey and jam, the hand dipped candles and big pots of fresh herbs.  The fabric that hangs fresh from receiving its dye.  The smell, the smile of people doing things they love, the overall wearing farmers with their boots and rugged coats.  I love the brown craft paper they use to wrap their goods.  I want to wander through street markets and take pictures.

November 20th: Be a Barista for a day

I love the starbucks barista.  Especially the good ones that take the time to stir your mocha into your milk so that you don’t get a glob of chocolate powder at the bottom.  I’d love to be a Barista for a day – make peppermint mochas with whipped cream piled high and write compliments on the coffee collars.  I’d write the following things to my fellow Starbucks visitors today:

• Hey Good Lookin’
• Nice Tie
• Go hug your kids you moron
• Way to work the leopard print flats, H-O-T.
• Nice haircut!
• You’ve got good things coming to you.
• You’re rockin.  That’s all I’m saying.
• What an awesome smile – use it more – you’ll like the response.
• You’ve got a little whipped cream on your nose.
• Your eyes are kind.
• You’re going to find what you’re looking for.
• Yankees WIN thhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeee Yankees Win!
• Maybe next time rethink the man-capris
• Looks like your kid could use a coat.
• chin up.
• Dust off the attitude get ready for something good.

If you could write on someones coffee collar around YOU today – what would you write?

November 19th: Watch the stars come out.

I’m busy.  I’m a multi-tasker.  The list is never empty.  I am never bored.  There will always be more for me to do.  Which is why this item is still on my list.  There is a certain amount of give that has to happen in your life where you feel free enough to give up an evening to watch the stars come out.  From dusk to stars.

It’s something that I imagine would be delightful – I think of the feeling – just laying on a blanket, on a hill, the musky smell of dusk and dew hitting me as each star glimmers into space, saying “there, I see one” and then another and then another until the whole sky is full.  I’ll wonder what they are – just as the song dictates….but mostly I’ll just admire how they shine, how they glimmer even in the face of darkness.

There is no Tweeting when you’re watching stars come out, there isn’t an e-mail to send, a book to read, a dish to clean, laundry to fold, post to write, phone call to make, errand to run, DVR to set, list to make, shoot to schedule when it comes to watching stars.  For me, it would be like a meditation.  It would be calm, serene, quiet, giddy with excitement.  It would be sensual in a completely pure way.  It would be all anticipation, and lets face it some of the best parts of life come in the moments of anticipation.  It would be still.

So far I haven’t been clear enough to let this item happen.  But when I do – I’m sure it’s going to be incredible.

November 18th: Build a Treehouse

I really loved the movie Swiss Family Robinson – I mean that treehouse was incredible.  I’ve always wanted to build a real tree house – a place for kids to play – a place for a mom to escape to with a book and a cold martini shaker – a place to meditate – something rustic and cozy and nestled up high with the birds.

I have something particular in mind.  I need to meet with someone that can draw to put it to paper for me so this dream can get closer to happening.