The month of March was my “no cheese” resolution month.  Heres the thing.  I really like cheese – I started strong on March 1st but then on Tuesday there was cheese in my salad and it just seemed wrong to eat around it – it complemented the cinnamon sugar caramelized pecans SO nicely…it would have been rude to take away that pleasure.  And then Wednesday Lexi wanted cheesy eggs for breakfast and I wasn’t about to just throw out those delicious cheesy eggs when she decided she’d rather have Cheerio’s.  And then the real killer came on Thursday when Jess suggested we go to Melting Pot for dinner.  And so my “no cheese” month turned into LOTS of cheese month.  I’m embracing the failure though.  Some things I’m just not meant to live without.  Cheese is on the top half of that list.

I had a black eye for a couple days.  And the cause is embarassing and funny.  I was working and holding my coffee mug as I do and I sneezed.  And because the mug feels like such an extension of my own self I didn’t move it and I slammed my face – more specifically my eye – directly in to the coffee cup.  The force of a sneeze is really startling.  So yeah.  A black eye.  I’m awesome.

Lets see what else have I failed at lately….taking pictures.  It’s been a week since I picked up my camera.  Between the black eye and Lexi looking like she had a run in with a very mean toddler (we’re not coordinated…or graceful we make up for it in charm) and Mandy being all up in my face it’s been difficult.  And it’s the start of spring but everything still looks very much like winter.  Those are all bad excuses though.  So I got out the camera today and I’m going to take pictures of something.  I just don’t know what yet.

I’m at the library again today.  Yesterday when I was here I got SO much accomplished it was almost scary.  The quiet, the wirring of the ventilation system, the people watching it’s just MAGICAL.  It’s like Starbucks but better and free and no desert bar to distract me.  Yesterday I was purchased a cappuccino by a man that I can estimate at about 78 years old….although he’s probably in his 80’s and just looks that good for his age.  My first pick up.  Today the goal is to get picked up by someone less then 75.  A girl can dream.

Today is one of those days that I feel I must write.  I have things to say, stuff to get out, posts in my head and yet this is my fourth attempt the other three posts now safely lost in the mess of drafts that I have left mid-completion over the last 3 years.

With the weight of February now off my shoulders I’ve been feeling a little adrift.  It’s like the day after you complete a huge project and you have this “now what” feeling…what I’ve been doing with this feeling is a lot of things that have nothing to do with each other leaving lots of things mid-completion.  Open items abound.  I’ve been leaving things in this state because I’m not sure how to handle more of that Now What feeling.  It seems like my entire life is in this NOW WHAT staging area and the next thing that happens is going to be awesome and exciting and all of this room has been made…but for what?

I have no idea where Lexi and I are going to be at the end of May.  Our lease is up June 1 and as I’m playing the role of the grown up I know that I need to move us to a place that will bring us more financial security.  (Being a grown up is sometimes not fun….I should have believed them when they told me.)  Part of me wants to return to Rochester and surround myself with lilacs in May and spend my afternoons on a picnic blanket working with wifi in a pool of sunlight (I may be wearing rose colored glasses…ahem) and Saturday nights at my brothers for camp fires and Sunday’s with my parents.  I could always move a bit north and still be in the area…but I feel the need for change.  Something about Brooklyn is calling me…but that seems especially crazy.  Maybe something completely new…but where?  We could follow friends to the mid-west – there I could spend more time pursuing photography because it isn’t a particular dense photographer population and the cost of living would permit me to dedicate the time needed.

Making these decisions is difficult and its contributing to this thing I’m calling SleepGate 2010.  So today I’m making a big decision.  I’m going to look for signs.  See where my heart and gut are pulling me.  And then I’m going to go with it.  And I’m going to just believe in the awesome and exciting finding me wherever we land.  Because I know it will.

I’ve been working on the spring giving campaign.  I’ve been tackling a room each day.  Sunday I did my bedroom and Monday I did the office and today I’m going to do the kitchen stuff.  There is a lot of stuff that I’ve been avoiding though: the baby stuff.

I turned off comments on this post (you can fill in the form but it will annoy you and say Sorry not accepting comments) because as appreciative as I am of everyones support I just need this one to sit out there without anyone assuring me that things will be a certain way when – no one knows.  I don’t know.  No one does.  What I do know is that it will be okay.  Whatever is in store will be great because I’m not going to accept anything BUT great.

There is a lot of baby stuff.  A baby bathtub, a baby carseat, a co-sleeper, newborn clothing that was worn in the hospital, a wipe warmer, jumpers, play centers, play mats, nursing pillows, a Snoogle, maternity clothing.  Everything.  When I put those things away I folded the little terry cloth footed sleepers and thought that I’d be putting them on another baby…I was sad at the time that my baby was growing but it was easier because there was this “other baby” in the future.  And now I don’t know.

There are people that could really use these items that are sitting in the basement.  They would make a difference for them and part of me wants to donate all of this stuff because the idea of it just sitting in the basement forever makes me so sad.  If not me, then someone should snuggle the newborn goodness in those little footies.  But giving these things away feels like I’m giving up hope in some way.  Like I’m giving away the dream of it being my newborn.

So I guess this is where I’m drawing the line on the giving.  If it makes me feel hopeful to have these items then I’m going to keep them because hope floats and I need more buoyancy right now.

February does this to me every year.  It takes my plans, shoves them in a vat of peanut butter and then invites every outdoor animal to knaw on it with their freaky squirelly teeth.  I should expect it.  I never do…but I should.  But next year that will not happen because I have scheduled an e-mail to be sent to me next January.  Here it is…

Cass-

Hey there.  Yeah, you sent yourself an e-mail you can either consider this brilliant or crazy but it’s all you and you’re probably nodding right now.  So its the end of January and February is in just a couple days and you seem to struggle with this and I think it’s because you have a generally optimistic outlook on things but let me tell you.  STOP.  February is going to fuck with you.  It always does.  I suggest you do the following RIGHT NOW before February.

1. Buy three emergency bottles of white wine.  Stick them in the bottom of the fridge.  Label them EMERGENCY.  You’ll need them.  Just trust me on this.

2. Take vitamins, Emergency, Drink Tea, Stay Hydrated, seek a medicine man, go to a sweat lodge do whatever you can to avoid the plague and the malaise.

3. Order yourself flowers to be delivered at the end of the month…daffodils or something awesome.  By the time the end of the month comes you’ll never remember you ordered them yourself because that’s what February does to you.  Write on the card “For you.  You’ve almost made it.  I think you can make it to March.”

4. Buy some good smelly candles – your dog is holding (if you can believe it given the amount she is still shedding) more fur and she starts to smell doggy.

5. Make an appointment March 1st to get a pedicure….it will make you believe that spring will actually come.  It might not come.  But whats important is that you believe that it could.  March 1 is your GOAL.

6. Concede that there will be at least six  full days spent in pajamas (12 if you count the days you sleep in your yoga pants and shirt and just keep them on).  This is not failure in february.  This is called winning…but only in the month of February.  March you should get dressed.

7. Buy four bags of M&M’s and stick them in the tire changing area of your car.  There will be a lot of days that you will want to get them out…and on most days it will be too much effort.  But on the days that you really need them they will be there for you and worth every bit of annoyance at getting to them.

8. Accept pasta for the gift that it is and don’t fret about things like SHORTS and DRESSES.  The reality is you have months….don’t forget to get your prescriptions refilled.

9. Don’t plan on anything.  Don’t plan a trip of any variety because the anxiety you will have about the weather will negate any positive effect the vacation type activity could have on you.

10. Make a sign and put it on the door counting down to March.

Cass, I know I say this a lot but YOU got this.  You can totally make it through February.  It is just winter after all  - it’s been happening for a really long time.

Holler!

**Reminder to enter the Mondo Beyondo Seat contest on this post – just comment**

I find that there are things that I want to say, that I want to hear come out of my mouth but there is no one to hear them.  Not big stuff – I have a handful of people that I could call day or night to talk to about the big stuff and if I needed to I would.  It’s the little stuff that has no place to go and the result is very awkward.

Take for example the following:

Today is my Dad’s birthday – talking about my Dad makes me emotional because I just love him and I think he’s the best man on the entire planet and I’m so proud to be his daughter and he has always made me feel loved, safe and important.  And today was his birthday and I wanted to tell someone that it was his birthday and so I texted someone that completely random fact.  I mean, what the hell am I doing?  No context, no reason, no relevance.  I just wanted it out there.

Or we’re at the Apple store today and Lexi is hopping around and the guy checking us out is just standing there swipping my card asking for my e-mail address and I just start telling him how she just learned to hop and how she thinks its so fun and she says “hop hop hop” and now when she approaches stairs she says “hoppa hoppa hoppa” and she sounds like a little greek wedding plate smasher.  And I tell all of this to the Apple check out guy.  I mean, what the hell am I doing?  He has no interest in this…I just needed someone else to know and he was my victim.

Starbucks a few days ago I order my grande skim peppermint mocha with whip for here and the girl asks “can I get you anything else” and I said something along the lines of, oh, yeah, I suppose I should eat something today.  Here’s a completely random little fact about me: I like to talk about what people eat – if they ate – it’s very important to me that people eat…I will often ask “so, what did you have for dinner” and it’s not just courteous I want to be sure that you ate and I also want to know what because I may want that very same thing tomorrow.

The Gap on Friday I go in to buy t-shirts.  I do this when I want the seasons to change.  In the summer I went in and bought 5 white long sleeve t-shirts and 4 colored long sleeve t-shirts (pink, black, blue and gray) – now it’s time for me to want the seasons to change so I went in and bought 5 white short sleeve t-shirts and 4 colored short sleeved t-shirts (2 black, 1 gray, 1 off white).  So I’m checking out and the 19 year old check out girl goes “just t-shirts today” and I told her my entire sad pathetic season changing t-shirt system.  This poor girl went home and while she was driving she texted EVERYONE in her phone this sad pathetic story.  The thing is I like my system and I wanted someone else to know because – in my opinion, it’s brilliant.  I love fresh white t-shirts.  At the end of the season you know what I do with them.  I rip them up and use them as rags.  I wear a t-shirt every single day.  I love them and at the end of the season I don’t want to stow them for next year.  Because next year do you know what I’ll want: FRESH t-shirts.

So that void where this useless stuff used to go to a single human being is now being scattered across the service people I encounter.  Lucky.

This is a true story….I should be more embarrassed then I am.  Harmzie is upset that she didn’t give me a lesson while we were in Chicago.

• Does Canada have a president? (no, they don’t)
• What’s the average temperature? (tits falling off cold)
• Do all Canadians say Eh?  Or just some?  (they all do – it’s required)
• Why is the money so damn pretty?  (so you can recognize the denomination at a glance)
• Who’s the most famous Canadian?  (Neil Young)
• Who is Neil Young? (oh.)
• How do I know who Justin Bieber is? (The today show…god damn you Matt Lauer…kisses)
• How big is Canada?  (9,093,507 SQ KM)
• How big is 9,093,507 SQ KM? (13 states of Texas)
• Who pays for the Olympics?  (Ticket sales, TV networks and advertisement)
• Are the medals really gold? (They are!)

I turned in my DVR box today.  Dude.  I know.

It wasn’t (just) about the money…because it’s not that much but in combination with the extra phone line and the premium services and and and it was a lot of money.  But it isn’t ABOUT the money.  It’s about the noise.

I’m living more quietly.  I realized that I don’t always actually want to be watching tv.  At one point over the last year the tv was on, I was texting on my iPhone and doing work on my computer, and talking on the phone with my Mom and I can’t imagine that I was doing ANY of it well.  If I want to be watching a tv show I should be actually watching it – and not multi-tasking and rewinding when I think I may have missed something.  For the last week I decided to NOT use the DVR and see how it changed my viewing habits.  It changed them a lot:

• There were things I watched simply because I could fast forward the commercials…the show was not worth watching if I had to watch commercials….which means the show was not worth watching.  Period.
• I read.  I realized that I could get lost in a book again…and that hasn’t happened since Lexi was born.
• I missed a show and I watched it online the next day – it was easy and free.
• I sat and watched my favorite shows with a bowl of popcorn and a glass of iced Ginger Ale and I really enjoyed them.  I noted the music and grabbed a song I really liked with an iPhone app.  I saw a color combination that one of the characters was wearing and I actually replicated WITH MY OWN CLOTHING!  As in: I GOT DRESSED.
• I wrote more.

The tv is a fantastic distraction and I really enjoy some shows….but it wasn’t playing too big a role in my night.  So I’m glad to be living with a little less.  Could you?  Would you want to?

Lexi got her haircut for the first time last week.  She didn’t like it.  When we put her in the magic car she was happy enough and then a strange man holding sharp instruments came at her and TOUCHED HER HEAD!  You should have seen the look she gave me it was incredulous…how COULD I let this HAPPEN to her.  She whimpered the entire time but in the end we got exactly what we came for a cute bob so that as her hair grows it looks more like a sweet little girl cut and less like an unkept shag.

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Apparently naps are for babies and now that Lexi is, as she says, abigooorl she doesn’t feel that a daily nap is necessary.  Like today, for example.  So around 5 tonight I saw the window closing and I decided we’d do early dinner, bath, lotion, milk and bed.  I was really hoping we could drag that out until at least 6:30…but after the bath Lexi looks at me and says NiMama and wants me to leave her in her room.  She was pretty pissed off that I was going to make her go all the way downstairs for some milk.  We made it to 6:15.  This means several things…I’ll be up early tomorrow, I’m lonely and all the stuff I had to do for the night is already complete and I didn’t get enough snuggle time and I’ve had ZERO exposure to the Backyardigans today.  Not all bad.  But still.

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While I was in ChiCAgo with my girls my girl was here with my Gram and my Mom.  It was kind of a bummer because I really would have loved to spend the weekend with them too.  But I know that they had a fantastic time with Lexi and that it was an experience that did everyone a whole lot of good.  I didn’t realize how relaxing a night of sleep can be when there isn’t an animal or a baby to be listening for.  The whole Chicago experience was so fantastic – the massage, the people, the food, the drinks, the people.  When you read blogs you get to know people on one level but it’s a completely different experience to hug them.  To be able to learn their smiles and how they say words.  It’s like when I read their blogs now it’s like they’re reading it to me.

Me and my Mom…we go way back. I’m her girl.

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I realized recently that I may need to sit back a little more and let things, people, moments come to me.  I tend to be a pusher and I go after things I want.  And while that has made for a whole lot of success and some experiences I never could have dreamed of I think it’s also something that could use a little adjusting.  At some point I want to be pursued….and in order for that to happen I’ll have to sit back and relax.  So I’m going to be working on that.  I would like to say that dancing every single day has happened in February so far and it is a delight.

I started meditating a few weeks ago.  I’ve been having a difficult time falling asleep and staying asleep.  I’m exhausted….make no mistake about that.  It’s just when the quiet has fallen in around me I can’t help but think.  And thinking is the enemy.  So I’ve been meditating before I go to bed.  And if I wake up having some kind of panic/anxiety/awake attack I do this meditation again.  Part of this was something I read….I wish I had remembered to write down where so if this is yours please let me know and I’ll throw in a link and part of it I’ve changed up to be more reflective of what I need and want.

May I feel protected and safe.

May I feel contented and pleased.

May my physical body support me with strength

May my life unfold smoothly with ease.

May all my dreams be on the way.

May I feel protected and safe.

May I feel contented and pleased.

May my physical body support me with strength

May my life unfold smoothly with ease.

May all my dreams be on the way.

I feel protected and safe.

I feel contented and pleased.

My physical body supports me with strength

My life unfolds smoothly with ease.

All my dreams are on the way.

I feel protected and safe.

I feel contented and pleased.

My physical body supports me with strength

My life unfolds smoothly with ease.

All my dreams are on the way.

I feel protected and safe.

I feel contented and pleased.

My physical body supports me with strength

My life unfolds smoothly with ease.

All my dreams are on the way.

Do you meditate?  How do you do it?

This weekend was full.  Most weekends here are rather low key, we have a schedule and we have fun but typically I try to minimize the amount of running and doing so that I can spend some time with my girl.  I learned a long time ago that having Lexi in the car for the weekend while I go from place to place makes me feel worse then it could possibly accomplish.

We’re going with bullets because I’m all about gun control…or use….I can never remember.

• Friday I didn’t watch National Lampoon’s vacation…but I did eat popcorn and talk to a friend with it on in the background…that movie, even in the background, increases fun.
• Saturday I set my alarm (learning from last week), wore elastic pants, brought fruit snacks for after class and wore flip flops to swim class.  It was even more fun than last week – they threw little ducks around the pool and then “paddled and kicked” to get them.  The cuteness involved in this totally overlooks the fact that I once again streaked through 1/2 the locker room chasing Lexi.  Note to self: you’ll have to do better then fruit snacks to keep her parked.
• Then we had pizza to celebrate a certain 3 year olds birthday!  It was fantastic pizza with great people celebrating a really terrific little girl.  Happy Birthday to Lil’ Foot!  Lexi has been carrying around her party favor picture frame since we left!
• Then Lexi had an awesome time with her family while I went out with my girls to that big island I love so much.
• So I meet AndreAnna and Rougie at a brewery….we had some beers discussed the intricate balance between photo and twibbon and design possibilities for twibbons for when they really catch on for promoting things like vasectomy’s and causes that haven’t even appeared yet….there were some beers….I wasn’t (able to) going to count beers….that seemed like a way to monitor myself and I wasn’t ABOUT to have that business start.  I was free.  Out on the town.  On my favorite island (screw tropical breezes, I walked on gates with heels bitches, I own this island).   We had some dip that tasted like bacon but didn’t actually HAVE bacon in it.  I call foul for you Jim Gaffigan, no need to worry, I  called that dip right out.  And then there was a man telling me about how awesome 125th street is…I declared it “a little scary” to which he gave me a lesson in carrying myself.  It was, in a word: fantastic.
• And then the ladies had the smart phone show down to see who could locate an irish pub fastest.  I don’t know who won (I mentioned, not counting, in fact I paid little attention to anything that didn’t involve fun, menu decisions were not on my to do) but within a few blocks we had arrived to see Karen (the waitress and may I say, the awesome) at the Irish Pub with no other name.
• Irish car bombs were up next and let me just say they are DELICIOUS….I loved them….I think there were 3 involved in my night (could have been more, again, not counting) and some other beer too….and things were said and we declared “we have to remember that” and guess what, I don’t.  Maybe my girls will.  They probably will actually they are much better drinkers…I’m a light weight (or wave depending on iPhone correction).
• So there’s a table of guys to the left of me…and it’s been a very long time since I played the team challenge (as in, are they playing for my team or are they looking to hit something else entirely) and I had had some beers…so I went to the ladies room, on the way back to the table I notice 2 beautiful people sitting alone.  I move the girl to sit next to the guy…I tell them that they look cute together…put away the smart phones and start using some text together….and they did.  I tell you, if I ever see them on the street holding hands I’m going to give them a high five.
• So yes, back to the walking to the table I stop to talk to the guys.  I explain to them my situation…they are very kind, they introduce themselves and it’s a bachelor party.  These guys are from PA and totally sweet (and also cute)….they didn’t buy the whole photographer thing (which, lets face it, sometimes I don’t either…could I really be so lucky to get to do it full time one day?) but I did take some shots of them together and sent the groom the pictures…I hope they like them…they do have a beer count to them after all.  It was fun…the lesson here is that I really can still talk to anyone…and I kind of wondered if in my decade of not I had lost the ability to strike up a conversation.
• And then we walked to a sushi place.  I know we walked there.  My feet are still killing me from walking around Manhattan in my very favorite Kate Spade shoes…so we walked, I’m certain of this….I just don’t happen to remember it.  I do remember shrimp tempura that basically melted in my mouth, Tanya (I don’t know exactly how I remember these names but they are the real names) and some spicy tequila strawberry concoction.
• The line of drunkness goes from VERY VERY FUN to ‘this is my life’ in about 1 drink….the fun thing about not drinking regularly is that you have no idea when that one drink is going to happen.  For me it was with the tequila.  The real lesson learned here is that when we’re having fun we can’t go and sit down someplace quiet(er)….it apparently brings me to a Real World style confessional place and it’s a real downer.
• On the train back I sat next to three very lovely people – they sandwiched me in….and then they started to talk to me.  We talked about lots of stuff….art shows, caramoor, how to best melt Nutella (in the microwave in a stemless wine glass in case you’re interested – I’ve done some testing), and why the train ticket puncher punches the way he punches.  And then it was morning.
• Yesterday morning was not my finest hour…car bombs, while delicious do as intended and cause some damage.  It was moments like these I wish I had dedicated weeks to teaching Lexi to pour her own bottle…or I had a playpen so that she could be confined and not bring me book after book saying UpUpUuuuuuuuhhhhhhp so that I could command her to point to things on the pages and clap for her.  But after doing the book thing (and having tylenol, coffee, ginger ale, an entire avocado and a slice of toast) I totally felt better.  We had a fun morning dancing and playing, a nice nap and then we made banana bread for snack this week.  Then it was out to dinner with family and we ran in to the swim teachers assistant (Lexi totally recognized her and tried to take her hand) and we were full circle on the weekend.

It was a very full weekend….it was so much fun.  And now it’s Monday and I need to plan some fun for the weekend so I have something to look forward to.