I went to bed.  I was more uncomfortable than I can ever remember.  And then around 6 my fever finally broke (whatever that means) and I thought I might live.  I went to bed early – slept the entire night and this morning I am functional.  Not 100% but 100% better then the -58 that I felt yesterday.

It really frightened me how quickly I went from feeling “not so hot” to feeling moments from death.  I’m working today – taking it easy – in my bed with my laptop and phones on every side of me.  I have a really fantastic weekend planned and I have to be feeling great for it.  You’ll likely see some pictures of it.  I may even start to ease your curiosity.  We’ll see.

1. Tightrope (feat. Big Boi) by: Janelle Monáe
2. Let It Rock by: Kevin Rudolf & Lil Wayne
3. Jar of Hearts by: Christina Perri
4. Can’t Stop by: Maroon 5
5. King of Anything by: Sara Bareilles
6. Give Up the Funk (Glee Cast Version) by: Glee Cast
7. Damn Girl by: Justin Timberlake
8. Fighter by: Christina Aguilera
9. Fidelity by: Regina Spektor
10. Midnight Rider by: The Allman Brothers Band
11. Virginia by: Christine Kane
12. All I Want to Do by: Sugarland
13. The Heart of Life by: John Mayer
14. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by: Sting
15. I Didn’t Know My Own Strength by: Whitney Houston

I can’t write.  Not today.  I want to.  I do.  But how can I write about something fun and light and airy when my baby is still not feeling well.  How could I possibly?  I woke up this morning in my bedroom and started to cry for a really lame embarrassing  reason…when we moved in to The Cottage I took a lot of care and my Mom put a lot of time (and hard work and energy and care) into making it Home – to hang the pictures and everything right away.  But I didn’t care about my bedroom and so there aren’t curtains hung.  And so the 1940 roller style things are still hung and there is no sunlight making its way in because the one day I did let the sun in I also gave someone in my neighborhood quite the show.  I cried because I didn’t have curtains.  How could I possibly write about that.

I have a meeting tomorrow that’s all day.  And as you may have noticed from my Tweets and the paragraph below – my baby is sick.  I did work all day today but I was around and when she cried I was there to run out and give her a little Hold.  In the office all day tomorrow = no hold.  How could I possibly write when I’m thinking about her little sick face and little sick nose.

This weekend my Mom and I are going to see Michael Buble in Dallas – SQQUEEEE I’m so excited about THAT to put it in a blog…well…I couldn’t possibly write about it.

So in short, blog, I can’t write.  I just. Can’t.

Cass

And I say this because tonight I was thinking about last nights episode of The Bachelorette (sign #1 that something is not quite right, you aren’t supposed to think about this show after the last tweet on Monday nights).  And then I was thinking about Craig R who’s a lawyer in Philadelphia.  And then I was thinking about how funny he was and how I thought he was cute and how Philly is pretty close to here (sign #2).  And then….in a gigantic leap I googled.  Where I found out, nothing….and I have no idea what I was out there seeking (sign #3).  And then.  I actually thought about e-mailing BurghBaby because she’s in PA…and then I realized it’s the wrong big P city….but she’s well connected I could drop her a quick line and also do a quick US Weekly scan on the status of a certain Josh and Fergie…hmmm and just maybe she’d know Craig R.  (sign #4)  From here I went down a little mental list of my trusted legal advisors on the internets and I nearly e-mailed one of them to say “hey!  Do you know this guy- I saw him on ABC and I don’t know I think you should find him, in the city in which you live and practice law in and maybe set us up.  Because you may totally know him…or not.  In the instance that you don’t know him well…Philly’s not THAT big…perhaps a quick search in local Starbucks would yield a find?” (sign #5) and then I drafted the e-mail (sign #6) and deleted it.  Which is clearly where we find ourselves now.

It’s rather hilarious that I viewed this person that is hundreds of miles away from me as accessible because of ABC.  I need to get out more.  In my defense he was totally in my living room and I was just waring my pj’s.

The Bachelorette and The Bachelor.  I just can’t quit them.

At some point over the last week I pushed into the “get through” territory.  Where all secondary needs are no longer addressed and the only thing that matters is getting through.  And I’m not sorry.  Do I feel like you missed out?  Well, no, no I don’t.  What you missed were likely going to be complainy posts about how busy I am and how tired I am and how much I never truly appreciated a vacation and…and…and then some more of that.  I don’t know about you but I’m kinda glad I didn’t BP that all over the internets.

Today Lexi and I went to the beach where Lexi requested to see her Unckie Jay and her Saaaara.  And I asked her where they were and she said ” I donno” which in case you were interested is the cutest thing in the entire world with little hands raised and a shrug of the shoulder.  For about five years I asked her father where something was and he would tell me he didn’t know….prior to thinking or god forbid looking he would respond I don’t know…and then my head would blow up into little tiny pieces around the room….and yet, when she says it, it’s like gold.

Tonight we are trying the crib without the containment – the rail is removed….when we were in Iowa she slept in a big girl bed so I know she’s ready…but when I tucked her in tonight and promised her we’d go by big girl sheets tomorrow for her big girl bed I cried.  My big girl.  But she corrected me and said.  No-MyBaby.  There are a lot of things that I may not be good at but reinforcing to my child that she is in fact my baby is not on that list.

When you ask her how old she is the response is two with three fingers….wasn’t I just ridiculously pregnant?  Wasn’t that like last week?  Two.  I’d say we’re really phasing in to the last few months I can attribute weight to baby weight.  Don’t kill that for me.

It’s the weekend (deep exhale) and I’m going to really enjoy these magic days of summer with a few beach adventures, maybe some melty ice cream on the front steps and a run through the sprinkler.  My June “I wills” have really been sucking.  I’ve logged approximately zero hours on the running unless you count trucking through the Atlanta airport in heals…in which case I logged my 50.  The whole notion of a date is just so far from believable at this point that I might as well throw that one directly in to October….I miss holding hands.  I am trying to think of the last time that holding hands felt awesome….probably ten years ago…I have no idea what made me think of that.  I bought three really fabulous dresses that I do feel like a knock out in – and so what if no one noticed – so what if I haven’t been tapped on the shoulder to see if I’d like a drink while wearing them….so what because I feel fabulous.

It’s Friday night.  My girl is sleeping in a big girl bed, there has been white wine consumed, an episode of Royal Pains is on the DVR ready for Play so I’m going to wrap this thrilling post up.  And who knows maybe the next week I’ll find myself ready, willing and able to share something here that I’ll be proud of.  A girl can hope.

When Lexi says Chicago it’s ShhhhKaaaGoooo.  We like it here.  And may I say that the hot male ratio in Chicago seems to be quite interesting.  For now, I’ll be sleeping with a belly full of pizza and Garrets popcorn grateful for a day in the Windy City.

Tomorrow we take Iowa….I imagine this is how the Confederates felt about heading north.

Or rather the voice that I share here is changing.  I’ve never felt a gag order.  But several factors have effectively done that in the past month.  My life is not only my own.  Large gaping holes in my life are about events, people, situations and feelings that don’t belong here.  And I understand the allure of a “secret” blog where you get to just put it ALL out there.  God, I understand that allure.  The thing that I know about secrets is…there is no such thing.  If there was though – well – I’d be all over it.

I bought a couple dresses last week.  I feel really beautiful in them.  It’s a really powerful thing a great dress.  Now I just need the date.  And I’m saying that like it’s totally going to just happen.  Like magic or delivery.

When the guys at my local Starbucks see me come in they change the music to my favorite mix.  They do this because one day I cried.  One day they had the “no one loves me” mix in – and for real, that is the ONLY possible name of that mix because it must be used in depression medication trials because it can throw you into a deep one.  And I cried.  In starbucks and now they change it.  I’m a good customer.  I’m like the Fraiser Crane of this Cheers version of Starbucks.

“The past is never as relevant as we might think it is.”

That one line has been ringing in my head for the last four days.  Just jumping from one side to the other.  Have you ever had that happen?  It’s kind of like an ahaohshit moment where you realize aha! thats what I should be doing and oh shit, I’ve been doing it wrong…very very wrong.  The past is relevant…it’s impact is broad and shaping and all of that stuff…but it’s not as relevant as…say…the present.  Can you believe it?

Today I spent some time in the city, in Central Park.  We were walking in the woodland area which is my favorite space because you pick up a custard from The Boathouse and you wander and it’s quiet and beautiful and sky scrapers peak out behind leafy greens.  Around a bend I see a man, in a boat with a girl, standing up in the boat and I see him reach for his pocket.  And he pulled out a ring.  And he gave it to her and she said Yes and I clapped and screamed hooray and Lexi joined in and so did my cousins.  Today two people got engaged on a boat in Central Park.  I wish them every single happiness in the world….now sit down, standing in a boat is just asking for trouble.

Who I was a year ago…my circumstances….not as relevant as who I am today.  And today I’m Cass Comerford, I live in Greenwich with my daughter Lexi – I marinate and cook things up in business and feed my soul with a Nikon…it’s not about who I want to be when I grow up – it’s about how I’m living my life today.  The past isn’t nearly as relevant as I thought it was.  It just isn’t.

Lexi very gently pulled the flowers out of the shell, placed them in the holes I dug, ran to get her watering can, watered them, I put the dirt around them and then it was the magic part.  We put a spell on our flowers.  We said “bippity, boppity, grow. thippity thoppity, thrive” and with each of the 50+ plants that we planted we put a spell on each and every single one of them.  At the end of it I felt like we had a spell on us.  Because we were a mess…but oh my goodness we were so alive.

We got cleaned up (which was no small challenge) and then went to Anthropologie for me to buy a dress I’ve been lusting after for a really long time that finally went on sale.  We had lunch and Lexi said “ni-ni Mommy, paci, banki, pease” so she went to take her nap and I went outside and used my weed wacker and mowed the lawn.  It wasn’t scary.  It wasn’t intimidating.  It was…..awesome.  I just wacked the hell out of those weeds.

This afternoon we’re headed to the fair across the street.  Lexi was promised a balloon (I really hope they have balloons).  And then we’re going out to dinner at the club.  It’s the perfect Saturday.  And now it’s time for a nap.

When we moved in to The Cottage I was on a high.  A new place, settled in, new pace, new sidewalks to walk, new places to explore high.  And then – I realized over the course of unpacking that I brought all of my baggage with me. That the new place, while awesome, cozy, warm, friendly and full of good new memories…also contains the same baggage I had at the old place, and the place before that, and the place before that.  The lesson here is one I have learned before: you can’t buy change.

Say that with me for a second….because, isn’t that kind of gigantic?  You, <insert name> can not buy change.  It is not for sale.  You can change a lot of things, your location, your hair, your clothing, your partner, your diet….but change…the true kind, you can’t buy that.

So my question this Tuesday is: how do you change?  Are you a cold turkey, stake in the ground changer?  Or are you change resistant?  Or are you a step by step methodical change agent in your life?