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The do-over

by casscomerford • March 9th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

Today I wanted a do-over.  I actually needed a do-over that started at about 7pm on Monday night and went right on through until…well past now, that’s for sure.  *I nearly just died because the cats just tipped over something that sings and shakes and my nervous system can’t handle that kind of stuff*

I needed to help with some business stuff last night and that took me until about 11 and one of two things happens at 11pm I’m either passed out from a medically induced sleep OR I start to think.  If you’ve ever had a hard time sleeping I can tell you that the absolute worst thing for it is thinking.  Thinking is like a Red Bull/Amp combo.  And when you do get to sleep you will have the worst dreams full of every anxious point you’ve ever felt in your entire life.  It’s heinous.

The working prevented the working out, the relaxing, the bathing, anything being accomplished on my to do list.  This of course leads to feelings of inadequacy, which leads to feelings of self pity, which leads to one thing: chocolate covered guilt.  Add that to a whooping 3.5 hours of sleep before Lexi was up as her cheery self and my productivity level today was low.  Stuff was accomplished but it was done at a minimally accepted standard level.

I tried to shake it off with a nap but I couldn’t sleep.  And this answered something I had long wondered: Just because you are tired does not mean you can sleep.  So I did what comes to me naturally and I got a pedicure.  It was enjoyable, the spring shade of Canyon Coral is everything I hoped it would be….but no more.  It  didn’t trigger a time warp, there was no do-over and the ambition was low and sinking.

A walk.  Showers.  Getting dressed in actual clothing.  Going out to dinner.  Accomplishing one thing on my list were all attempted.  Wine was drunk.  Additional chocolate was consumed (thanks Mandy & Maya we love you!).  And still I’m listless.  I call foul.  I didn’t intend on losing a whole day in this funk – that’s not what I WANTED.  So now I’m sitting here thinking about it – looking for the root cause in my energy zap – figuring out a way to eliminate it from any future day.  Because life is too short to want to do-over a whole day.

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  • Mandi: March 9th, 2010 at 7:57pm

    Wow that was fast!!

  • Lisa: March 10th, 2010 at 10:46pm

    If only pretty toe nails could solve all our problems!! : ) Hope the funk is better now

I know…

by casscomerford • March 8th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

There is a balance to every day, week, month, year, life.  There are highs and there are lows.  There are pick me ups and drag me downs.  There is the in between – there is content…not CONTENT like a table of….but content as in ‘at ease with life’.   For every no there is a yes.  There is balance.

I love living in a place that has four seasons and every spring I am reminded of this as I put my flip flops on for the first time and think about the lightness of it all.  Without the wool socks and boots of winter I would never appreciate the lightness of the flip flop.  There is a joy of planning your first spring pedicure and thinking about the color you will splash on your toes…coral, no orange or maybe RED….maybe pink.  In the matter of a few days we’ll see new life start to bud on the trees here and it all seems so perfectly timed.

The goodness of spring is just surrounding me – ideas are growing, dreams are budding, lives are progressing.  It’s like the hibernation has done me good.  Everything isn’t coming up roses there is still a fair share of shit but I’m using it to fertilize the situation…to remind me that you have to deal with some shit to grow really pretty roses.  I’ve taken the anger and bitterness about the situation and I’ve let it go…I’ve decided that there will be a karmic fate dealt to those that have done me wrong and that I need not play a role in it at any level.  And that feels really good.

A month ago I was finding the solitude suffocating….and now I’m reveling in it.  At night when I take Mandy out I stand on the cold slate tiles in my bare feet and I look up to the stars and I’ll wait until a new one comes out.  The stars always come out…you either see them or you don’t.

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  • AndreAnna: March 8th, 2010 at 5:02pm

    I just kind of want to dance in your fertilized roses. I need my roses to bloom soon. I'm starting to smell like too much cow poo. So glad you've let it all go. I read once that "hate is not the opposite of love. apathy is."

You can sway a toddler

by casscomerford • March 7th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

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  • AndreAnna: March 7th, 2010 at 10:04pm

    Good grief, that face kills me. The "YOU CRAZY WOMAN" face.

  • Lisa: March 8th, 2010 at 11:07pm

    Adorable! I will take a nap and I do not need any coaxing...but a nice blankie helps!!!

When you have this much to say a title is kind of a joke.

by casscomerford • March 6th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

There is this energy buzzing around me.
It’s not Lexi.  Although, she is also buzzing around me.
It’s just good stuff.  I feel like I’m on the right path.

I’m not sure where it goes.  But it feels RIGHT.
You know when you decide to take a new way to get to someplace you go all the time…and there are a few minutes where you’re all up in your head thinking “this was a bad idea, I have no idea where I am, this isn’t going where I thought it would” but then you make one right turn and Aha! There is STARBUCKS and the only thing you can do is sing the Eureka song from the Backyardigans!  Oh, wait.  Yeah, that’s just me then.  Okay.  But you know the feeling.  That’s the feeling buzzing in me right now.

On Monday Mondo Beyondo dreaming starts again and I am SO excited.  I think I should write that again because I am SO excited.  I was trying to explain why I was so excited to someone today and while they understood the positive nature of the class they didn’t understand why I would want to do it again…which I get.  I couldn’t come up with a good answer at the time but it’s been on my mind and this is where I’ve marinated to: The first time I did Mondo Beyondo I was beginning to accept myself for the dreamer that I am.  I was hopeful and energized by this community of people that would support you for the moments you doubted the validity and were there to high five you when you allowed yourself to MAKE your dreams real.  This time going into it I have the start of a list and I’ve felt the incredible bliss of accomplishing and experiencing my dreams coming true.  And now I get to dream bigger – I will allow myself to really soak in the warm light of positivity – I’ll believe more and I’ll be inspired.  And that….THAT is the good stuff.

Today we took a walk outside and we wore our fleece jackets.  Mandy jogged in the lightness of a warm(er) day.  Lexi laughed and threw her head back while swinging in the sunshine.  There is something that is in the sunshine that I just can’t seem to get in the bottle of Vitamin D I so religiously take all winter long.  It’s magic.

I’ve been working out really hard lately and it feels so good.  When I’m out of breath and the sweat is just dripping off my face and my legs are about ready to just give out I think: How lucky am I that I get to feel this – that I get to be THIS alive in this moment.  This hurts.  It does.  But my body can do this. The power in that pushes me through to the end of the workout.  I’m getting stronger.  In every way.

The big decisions that I need to make are being put away for the rest of the month of March.  I’m not making any of them this month.  They don’t need to be made yet and there is plenty of time to for that in April and May.  In the past I have not been able to do this – once a decision was put in front of me I had to make it – it wasn’t an option to let something simmer….I couldn’t be patient enough with myself.  And because of that I made some rather impulsive decisions….none of which I regret (except, a couple) and I’m going to give myself a lesson here and I’m going to let the idea of where we should be simmer.

For now there is a new Hallmark movie about to make its premier and this is exactly the kind of Saturday night I desire.  I hope you’re having a really awesome weekend!

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  • Gina: March 6th, 2010 at 9:29pm

    By reading your words of how lucky you are that you get to feel the benefits of working out is pushing me to go to YOGA on Sunday morning at 8:30. YOU GO GIRL.

  • AndreAnna: March 7th, 2010 at 7:53am

    Although it's buried underneath stress and cheese, there is good energy inside me too. I feel good things.

  • Amy: March 7th, 2010 at 12:05pm

    what a freakin' awesome post! what a great feeling...to be alive, energized, and on the path. i love it. i'm glad you're feeling so good. it's catching, too, because now i feel good! i'm doing mondo beyondo, too. first time and i cannot wait.

  • Sara: March 7th, 2010 at 6:09pm

    I feel better just reading this! Happiness, energy, peace...it's all contagious. Thanks for passing it on.

  • Rougeneck: March 7th, 2010 at 9:44pm

    Energy is contagious. So glad you're spreading The Awesome around.

Do you read your horoscope?

by casscomerford • March 4th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

I’m curious about this.  Do you read your horoscope?  Do you give any weight to signs?

I’m a virgo and let me assure you I am 100% virgo.  (The Virgo motto could be “Perfect is almost good enough.”)

When I read my horoscope for March I kind of got a little freaked out.  Because.  It is.  Spot. On.  (Excessive Periods for Emphasis)  Here’s an excerpt:

Over the past two or three years, at some point you struggled with a partnership situation that you never expected to face. Perhaps you left a bad personal or business relationship. If you were very fortunate, you found a way to fix it. Either way, what you faced forced you on a long and arduous path. You learned a lot about yourself, and also about human nature. At times you may have felt it was a disillusioning experience, but Saturn asked you to be practical and realistic – there was no room for fantasy.

If you did leave a relationship because you were wronged – which was very possible, considering the severity of the aspects – you might have felt you’d never trust anyone again. It would be understandable if you felt that way, as you faced quite a serious set of circumstances. Now, however, comes March, with the very best partnership aspects possible in the universe. A new partner seems to have arrived that you know is truly good for you, and all this comes so much sooner than you ever thought possible.

Keep your eye on the new moon, March 15, which will be the fulcrum point of the month. That new moon will take all the generous partnership aspects and package them into one, and in so doing open the door for talks. You may get engaged or married, or you may instead think of ways to bring a business relationship to the official, “let’s sign papers” stage. If you are writing a book or working on a new creative project with a collaborator, things will begin to shape up after March 15. These endeavors take time, but the beginning of those talks would start March 15.

Just.  Dude.  What am I going to do on March 15th?

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  • Leandra: March 5th, 2010 at 8:46am

    You're going to decide whether to move to Brooklyn, Rochester, or Iowa. There are important relationships in all those places. That's what I think, anyway.

  • Bethany: March 5th, 2010 at 9:20am

    Wow. That's a big horoscope. I like reading them, but they're not always perfect for me. I'm a Capricorn born on the last day of that sign - so I display traits from both Capricorn and Aquarius and tend to take whichever horoscope comes closest to my life. I think that Leandra is right and you'll be making some big moving decisions around that date. Exciting!

  • Burgh Baby: March 5th, 2010 at 1:13pm

    You're going to decide to move to Pittsburgh. Heh.

  • Sandy Aka Mom: March 5th, 2010 at 4:15pm

    I vote for Rochester or Canandaigua!!

  • Lisa: March 6th, 2010 at 9:49am

    That is freaky!! Normally horiscopes are soo general that they really could fit anyone, but yeah, that seems crazy spot on. and March 15th is always a fabulous day (i was born) so I hope it really does turn out to be a truly remarkable day for you too....here's to a turning point!

Short Story: The breakdown of the meteorologist

by casscomerford • February 25th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

I’ve been doing some writing for fun….I have nothing to do with it so I thought I might post bits here…if you think this is totally lame because it’s not my life and thus not really on point with this site then skip these posts you won’t hurt my feelings :-)

“Logan, please sit down and we’ll get started.  Know that this is a safe place.” taking a long pause to take a full inhale and then exhale “Now tell me, how are you doing today?”  His therapist started every encounter with this same introduction; he wondered if she had said it with the same voice inflection and pauses since her first patient a decade ago.  Logan had been seeing Margaret Kneu for two years, a bad break up had lead him to her worn leather backed chairs and every week she ended there session with the standard “We’ll pick this up next week Logan.  Do have a pleasing week” and although at times he wondered why, he knew that he would return again next week.

Margaret was consistent, steady, she always steered a conversation without providing outright direction and Logan appreciated this.  It was a stark contrast from the other people in his life.  For the last six years Logan has served the greater Connecticut area as the local weather man.  Providing the cheery brainless banter required and zero ability to actually predict the weather; which was just as well because the script was handed directly to him with explicit directions on what to focus on.  His time was served and he was due for a network position sitting behind the big desk and yet he wasn’t being called upon.

The calls he was getting are far less pleasing.  When you have a mother and three sisters phone calls are plentiful and being the perpetual bachelor Logan would receive at least one call a week from each of these women in his life inquiring about a new woman…there was never a new woman though.  Not since Beatrice.  ”You should go out with Courtney.” “You should try speed dating.” “Next Thursday Tiffany is coming in to town you should try to stop by and see her.” It was a constant flood of direction – go here, see her, get out there.  As a joke one day a little over a year ago he stopped calling them by their names and just started calling them The Pushers.  It stuck.

As winter began Logan was sure that he would be in sunnier states before the first snow flake hit the ground, he had believed that Texas or maybe Louisiana would be calling.  But they hadn’t.  And here he was nearing the beginning of March and he was handed the script: More Snow Ahead for the Weekend!<emphasis on the snow by placing your hand on the ground and bringing it up to mid-thigh>.

Logan groaned.

How many hate e-mails would he receive today?  How many school cancellation requests would be flooding in his inbox? He would be the most hated person in CT before the end of the weekend.  Predicting massive snow falls, causing milk and bread runs, getting children’s hopes up for prime sledding and then producing just two inches of snow does not make anyone your friend.

This could be the beginning of the breakdown…

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  • Kellie: February 25th, 2010 at 6:17pm

    I use to write all the time. Haven't in several years and I have to say I miss it. Put it out here! I love it :)

Mondo Beyondo Take 2

by casscomerford • February 23rd, 2010 • posted in My two cents

In March I’m going to do Mondo Beyondo again.  It was such a fulfilling online course the last time and given the last few weeks I could use some dedicated time for dreaming.

Mondo Beyondo Dream Big

I know that for some people this seems a little too “out there” and the idea of dreaming seems unrealistic…but to those people I ask this one question: What could it hurt?  If you were to dream big and believe in your dreams….what could that possibly hurt?

For me the biggest fear in going into the class was failure….I was afraid that if I put my dreams out there that people would laugh at me and that I wouldn’t accomplish any of them.  And for the record people did laugh.  There were people in my life that held no punches when telling me how ridiculous it is to want to play a game of HORSE with Lebron James or how unrealistic it was that I would have my own cottage studio.  And when that happened I realized a few things: I don’t want those people in my life and I could care less what anyone thinks about my dreams…they’re mine.  I get to have them.

You get to have yours too.

I’ve purchased an extra seat in this next Mondo Beyondo Class to give away here.  Comment on this post before March 1st.  On March 1 I’ll randomly select the winner.

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  • Kristin: February 23rd, 2010 at 8:57am

    I don't think anyone should EVER mock someone's dreams. How rude. Count me in. :) miss you

  • Kirsten: February 23rd, 2010 at 9:26am

    Hmm...sounds interesting. I might have to do it even if I don't win your extra seat.

  • AndreAnna: February 23rd, 2010 at 9:32am

    The way you dream big is part of why I love you so much. Tell me who laughed at you and I'll punch them in the throat. That's what best friends do, afterall. At least those from Jersey.

  • Kellie: February 23rd, 2010 at 9:37am

    Who dared tell you your dreams were ridiculous or unrealistic? Point me in their direction--I'm 21 weeks pregnant and in NO mood for crap. I LOVE how you dream. Seriously.

  • Mymsie: February 23rd, 2010 at 10:14am

    I could use some big dreamin'. :)

  • Denise: February 23rd, 2010 at 10:21am

    Don't let anyone tell you that you can't dream. Dreams are what keeps us going!great post!

  • Pseudostoops: February 23rd, 2010 at 10:22am

    I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to do this. I almost registered last time, but the timing wasn't right. Which is probably exactly the kind of excuse-making I need a to be pushed beyond.

  • Susan: February 23rd, 2010 at 10:39am

    I think playing HORSE with Lebron James would be *fantastic.* What a generous giveaway!

  • Aimee: February 23rd, 2010 at 11:08am

    this is so not "out there", and if anyone is reading your blog and thinks it is then why the heck are they reading your blog? Your dreaming inspires me to put it out there and hope for those things that seem so unattainable. Also... don't we want to teach our kids anything is possible when you set your mind to it? :-)

  • Emily: February 23rd, 2010 at 12:06pm

    This is such a cool thing! It's amazing what is available out there! No dream is too big, and I definitely don't put enough time into thinking beyond the tug and pull of every day life!

  • Ana Brightful: February 23rd, 2010 at 12:44pm

    Exciting giveaway, Cass! This looks awesome. I'm inspired!

  • Rougeneck: February 24th, 2010 at 7:28am

    Maybe if we all dreamed a little bigger, the world would be a better place.

  • AmyLK: February 24th, 2010 at 9:43am

    Sounds interesting. Can I win? Please!

  • Easy Breakfast Egg Cupcakes « Cass. Just Curious: February 24th, 2010 at 9:58am

    [...] « Previous Entry Easy Breakfast Egg Cupcakes by casscomerford • February 24th, 2010 • posted in [...]

  • Jessie: February 24th, 2010 at 11:23am

    Those people mocking your dreams are probably doing it out of fear of dreaming big themselves. It can be scary to think about trying things outside of normal experiences. As I tell my husband, though, as far as we know, we have this one chance on earth, so we might as well make it the best life we possibly can. I think dreaming and working to achieve those dreams is a big part of that. I just found out about this class last week and it has been constantly on my mind ever since. I think I need to work on dreaming big to get me out of the rut I've been in for far too long. This class seems like the perfect perscription, and I'm glad to hear it was enjoyable for you before.

  • Amy Bergan Yetman: February 24th, 2010 at 2:54pm

    thanks for this post. and the opportunity for this mondo beyondo give-away. your post choked me up. as a kid, and at my core, and in my "true" self, i think i've always had big dreams. big dreams with lots of energy...that i talk myself out of, because they seem silly, and yes, people laugh at me. or talk me out things. i don't want to talk myself out of dreaming anymore, and i don't want to attract people in my life who think my dreams are dumb. so thanks for this reminder. and this opportunity. cheers to you and your big dreams! -amy

  • Gina: February 24th, 2010 at 3:37pm

    We have big dreams in our house. Evelyn wants to work for DD drive thru and I always and still want to be in music video particulary Justin Timberlakes.

  • Lisa: February 24th, 2010 at 6:28pm

    Interesting- sounds like something I "totally would never do but if I had the chance I would love"...pick me :)

  • The Void « Cass. Just Curious: February 24th, 2010 at 10:02pm

    [...] **Reminder to enter the Mondo Beyondo Seat contest on this post – just comment** [...]

  • Pia: February 25th, 2010 at 4:02pm

    I want to do this class so badly and am so terrified at the same time...still looking for that final "push". maybe this is it!

  • KCV: February 25th, 2010 at 9:32pm

    You are so incredibly generous to share this experience (and your life through your blog) with some else. Must have been that powerful for you the first go-round. I too have some "ridiculous" dreams that others laugh it, and I need that encouragement to pursue them. Thanks for the opportunity!

  • Sam: February 26th, 2010 at 9:38am

    Dreams are pretty precious things...and you're right, you want people in your life that will dream BIG with you!

Being Single Again

by casscomerford • February 19th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

I am leary that this post is going to come out sounding very pathetic.  And it might.  It’s not my intention.  It’s just that I’m….well….clueless.  I have no idea how to be single again.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m not jaded against love and the possibility of a life shared with another person.  I still very much want that and I believe in it.  I just have no idea how to go about having that find me.

The last time I was single I was in college.  Which is the easiest place to get laid meet people because you’re living with a ton of people in the exact same life phase.  And now, I just don’t know how this is done.

I’m a go-getter in life.  Part of me very much wants to go out and find someone.  Pursue, seek, find.  But there is another part, louder and a little fearful that wants to do nothing. I want to be found.  I want someone to be looking for me.  To pick me.  To see everything that I come with as the gift that I see it as…to want all of it in the way that I have always wanted all of this.  To think that a life shared together would be better then a life spent a part….even on the crappy days.  That any effort expended would be worth it.  Because, that’s how I see it.

For now though – I’m good.  Life is very sweet.  I’m not going to pretend like its all there because when Lexi goes to sleep and I sit down and I realize that I’m alone it is sad.  When we go to the children’s museum and it’s families I feel awful….like she’s so perfect, she should get a whole family too.  And at the grocery store when I’m putting things in the car and I realize that I will also be the only person lugging all of this in the house.  Every door I approach will be opened by me.  Every bill that arrives on the table will be picked up by me.  Every mess will be picked up by me…even the messes I would rather not pick up.  If the bed is made, it’s because I made it.  If the garbage needs to go out there is just one person to turn to. Me. There are no special e-mails telling me that I’m loved in that way.  There is no long hug at the end of a tough day.  There isn’t a hand to grasp in the middle of the night when I have a bad dream.   I try to be positive.  To show the good stuff here.  To keep things up beat.  But in an effort to put more of myself out there this piece needs to see the sunshine.

This is difficult.  I have a lot of love.  I am never truly alone.  But sometimes it feels very lonely.  And I don’t know how to do this.  So I’m trying to figure it out.

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  • Pocklock: February 19th, 2010 at 11:17am

    I am so proud of you for publishing this. You are not alone. You have a ton of support and people that love you. And you will get your whole family. You will get your dream. You will. Love you.

  • AndreAnna (Modern Matriarch): February 19th, 2010 at 11:18am

    I told Mike if I die, he could marry you. So, there's always that. You could off me and steal my husband. Ha.

  • Samantha Jo Campen: February 19th, 2010 at 11:19am

    Oh honey I wish I lived closer. You are very loved and you have awesome, amazing and supportive friends. I don't know what it's like, but I can only imagine it's hard. I know you'll get through this and come out the other side so much stronger and happier. HUGS.

  • Kirsten: February 19th, 2010 at 11:28am

    I don't have any advice or really anything constructive to say, but I think you're amazing and I am positive there is someone equally amazing out there for you whether you're the one who does the pursuing or not. Hugs from way out here in St Louie!

  • AndreAnna (Modern Matriarch): February 19th, 2010 at 11:31am

    Sure, leave it to me to be the funny douchebag. I hope you know how awesome you are and how much love the world has for you. It will find you.

  • Madame Queen: February 19th, 2010 at 11:32am

    I wish I knew the answer for you. We've never met but it sounds like you have a lot of people who love and support you. I think that because you ARE open to the idea of love again, it WILL find you. Once Lexi gets a little older, she'll be involved in a lot of activities and you'll have the opportunity to meet more people. The guy is out there.

  • Bessie.viola: February 19th, 2010 at 11:44am

    Oh Cass... you are so very loved. I am standing with you for that dream. You will have your whole family. You will. I'm standing with you for it. I know that he is out there looking for you too... and you will be found. xoxo

  • Pseudostoops: February 19th, 2010 at 11:59am

    Brave! You are brave! Also: awesome! I have no doubt it's going to work out for you. I just don't. You're too swell for it to be otherwise.

  • Corina: February 19th, 2010 at 12:06pm

    Sigh, it IS tough sometimes, there's no denying it - but from what i've seen, you're a strong person, a wonderful mom and a good friend to have - At times like this I hope you see that this is temporary, as things have a tendency to change (if they stayed the same, it would be so boring)... You will change, Lexi will change and the situations will change... it won't be easy, but you have lots of friends & family that are here for 'ya and want the best for you :)

  • Dee: February 19th, 2010 at 12:13pm

    Oh hon, I have been there and it sucks. I didn't have kids at the time, but felt much of the same. But, the good news is that it gets better. You will have your dream and it will probably come to you when you least expect it. You are awesome and have so much to give!

  • Mandi: February 19th, 2010 at 12:28pm

    When I feel like everything is impossible, I just remember-this too shall pass. This phase in your life will pass and I have to say you are handling it stronger and with more grace than I ever would and way more than I have seen in other friends' situations. I'm excited that one day I'm going to be reading a post about butterflies in your tummy because you deserve it and you WILL get it.

  • Saly: February 19th, 2010 at 12:45pm

    I missed something somewhere and I was unaware that you were single again; though I wondered why you were sad on Valentines Day. This probably took a lot of courage to post...good job. And just from reading you from afar for all this time, I know you will get everything you want.

  • Beanski: February 19th, 2010 at 12:57pm

    Hang in there, Cass...you are a smart, strong woman and won't have any trouble meeting someone special. We're all pulling for you!

  • Aimee: February 19th, 2010 at 1:07pm

    Ahh Cass. I was like half a day away from e-mailing your with "curious" questions. Thank you for clearing you sadness on Valentines day up for me and your other readers! A few of us were scratching our heads over here! You are so talented and full of life. Lexi is too! And some wonderful guy will come and be worth it. In the meantime the spiritual trek you have been on will help you seek the clarity of "how to do this". This too shall pass, and life will take you on another roller coaster ride soon enough,

  • Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings: February 19th, 2010 at 1:34pm

    I am so sorry you have to go through this time in your life, but so glad you are such a strong person. You have to be for blogging so openly about it. I don't know what happened (I probably missed some posts here and there) but I do know you are a fighter and you will come out brighter on the other side.

  • Dawn: February 19th, 2010 at 1:39pm

    I've been there. I went from one 6-year relationship to another 6-year relationship. And let me tell you, no matter how bad it is at the end, it still sucks to be alone sometimes--even if it's simultaneously a relief. I had no clue how to be single either. But I can tell you, I took the time to be me, get to know me, to heal from what came before. And then I just opened my heart & let it come to me. I remembered that when I "went after it," it ended...not so happily ever after. So this time, instead of seeking it, I left my heart open to possibility. The right one lands in your lap when you're looking the other way, and all the doing you need to do is to keep your eyes, ears & heart open for it. If you ever need to talk to someone who's been there, just drop me an email. =)

  • Adelle @ Ready...GO!...get Set: February 19th, 2010 at 1:42pm

    That was beautifully written, poignant, sad, but REAL. My favorite quote is by John Lennon - "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." I struggle with wanting my life to go in a certain direction and finding that it just won't. And we're left dealing with what IS instead of what we want it to BE. Thank you for being brave and transparent and honest about what your life IS! I pray you have a lot of people around you that will love you through your loneliness and that someday, a lasting love with find you.

  • Sandy AKA Mom: February 19th, 2010 at 2:03pm

    My heart aches for my baby girl. Tears pour down my face and all I can say is that we all love you and somewhere out there is someone who will love you with all his heart. When I was writing that I broke out in song, Somewhere out there beneath the clear blue sky... oh those little mice could sing!! Love you!

  • McCashew: February 19th, 2010 at 2:50pm

    Incredibly brave. Incredibly strong. Incredible. That's you. I admire you for sharing this so openly, but even more for putting your heart on your sleeve and telling the world what you want. I wish I knew a fabulous single guy to connect you with - but I sense that you won't need the likes of my hook up because like I said, you... incredible.

  • Anne: February 19th, 2010 at 3:26pm

    I could sense that you were going through a big life change, and I was wondering if you were going to write about it on your blog. It really made me think about my own blogging, and how much I'd be willing/needing to share if a major change happened in my life. I think you're very brave to put yourself out there. I also have to think that your experience and story will help others, and in turn could be very therapeutic for you.

  • Michelle Smiles: February 19th, 2010 at 4:26pm

    You've alluded to some big changes but I had no idea this was the change so let me say I am sorry. Let me also add that I am divorced. I didn't have children with my first husband so it was definitely different. I was sad because I felt like I failed at my first marriage but 7 years later I am happier than I've ever been. Out of our greatest struggles often come our greatest triumphs. You'll find that happiness - whether it is in another relationship or on your own (w/Lexie obv) you will look up one day and realize it is all better than you imagined it could be. Hugs!

  • Kellie: February 19th, 2010 at 5:23pm

    Cass, I'm happy to see this post---happy that you put it out there. I'm sad it's happening to you. I've never, unfortunately, met you but I know you are a special girl with a huge heart. I don't have an answer for you. You will find love--the kind of love you deserve.

  • Steph The WonderWorrier: February 19th, 2010 at 6:31pm

    I think the other commenters have said it all very well. From what I can tell, you are a very strong woman. You are an amazing mother to Lexi. You will find your happiness, you deserve it so much. In the mean time, while we're just Internet Friends, we're definitely here for you.

  • Rougeneck: February 19th, 2010 at 6:54pm

    Although childless, I can empathize. Of course I can't publish because I am under a gag order (literally, legally) but I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. Love will find you and Lexi. All in due time. And in the mean time, you have your precious daughter to share your endless love with!

  • Elizabeth: February 19th, 2010 at 8:15pm

    This really touched me. Especially the part about Lexi deserving a whole family - that must be really hard. But honestly you're such a good mom - you alone is probably better than most kids with two parents. I think you and Lexi are both amazing and if there's not someone out there who can equal and appreciate your awesomeness, I'd be stunned. Hang in there. Sometimes when we least expect it, we find what we're looking for.

  • Nicola: February 19th, 2010 at 11:41pm

    Cass, you are such a terrific and talented person with a great sense of humor and huge heart. In your blogs I could sense something had changed in your life, but wasn't entirely sure what it was. I know you can get through these tough days. You do have lots of love and support from your family and friends. Text me, call me, email me if you need to chat, scream, laugh or cry.

  • Kristin: February 20th, 2010 at 7:21am

    I know this was hard for you to write. And, as always, I wish I could hug you and say that it's all going to be ok. And it WILL be ok, in time. You and Lexi will find what you're looking for. You deserve happiness. Much love to you both.

  • Sara @ Belle Plaine: February 20th, 2010 at 3:02pm

    Just know you are loved. By many, many people.

  • Ulli: February 20th, 2010 at 5:30pm

    Emory Austin once wrote:"Sometimes there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway". From what I can see from your blogs,you are one fanastic lady! Keep singing - no matter what.

  • Sarah Schroeder: February 21st, 2010 at 12:03am

    Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. Yes, we may only know each other through blogging but I can tell that you are such a strong woman. You will get through this bump in the road and you WILL come out stronger. I think it is so awesome that you are able to blog about this and share what you are feeling, and going through. You will figure it out and although it will be difficult at times you can do it!!

  • Nora: February 21st, 2010 at 8:46pm

    Its clear that so many people think you are amazing and love you. Which must mean there is more than a little truth to you being amazing and loved. But I think that to want to be swept off your feet and to not know how and when that's going to happen, when you are a planner (and I'm a planner) is hard. And to want what you can't plan, must be even harder. You have the odds on your side - you have lots of people who love you and want the best for you and you have made it known what you would love. Sounds like 2010 is your year! Congratulations for being brave, patient, a planner and well loved all in the same moment!

  • Multi-Tasking Mommy: February 23rd, 2010 at 8:08pm

    Props to you for posting this! You are a very strong person and in time, I have no doubt that things will work out for you!

  • AmyLK: February 24th, 2010 at 10:00am

    I am in the same place too. It is very lonely once Son is in bed for the night. Knowing that everything rests on my shoulders is hard. I am ready to get back out there to try and meet someone but have NO clue how to start. If you get any tips, can you share them? Please?

  • Sarah: March 10th, 2010 at 11:44am

    I'm really sorry that you are going through this! From reading your blog I can tell that you are strong and a terrific mother and I pray in time things will work out for you the way you want them. It was a beautifully written post and seriously brought tears to my eyes with the comment about your daughter deserving a whole family. I think we all want that for our children, but I'm sure your love for her is more than enough.

I have the malaise…now what.

by casscomerford • February 17th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

Earlier this month I was reading the Real Simple blog and I laughed out loud at the voicemail the author of the post had received.  Her friend left her a voicemail that said:

“Hi, Erin. This is Rebecca. I have the malaise and won’t be able to make it to dinner tonight. Call me tomorrow after work. Bye.”

And I laughed because Ha.  The malaise.  Ha.  That’s hilarious.  And I was all “I’m dancing every day the malaise won’t catch me.  No sir.  I’m even shredding.  Nut-uh.  I celebrated the snow day last week with hot cocoa and brownies and SLEDDING….the malaise.  Blah.  Haha.  That’s hilarious” And it is because of this little Haha Dance that I can say with absolute certainty: I have the malaise.

I caught it.  I’m not sure if it is the fact that my eyes are having a hard time adjusting to the blaring harshness of all the WHITE that remains outside or if it’s the requirement of wearing so many damn layers of clothing or maybe it’s the brown lifeless trees that surround me.  But the Malaise.  It’s caught me.  And I just don’t know what to do.  Erin suggested in her blog to turn up the music….and that didn’t work.  She then suggests challenging a friend or family member to a productivity assignment…but when I called some people that said that I had real problems and suggested I do something they referred to as: relax (what the heck is that).  Then Erin goes on to suggest you call someone to tell you to stop procrastinating.  I tried this too.  But that person just really assisted in my procrastination…it turns out all of my friends are giant enablers.

So I’ve been thinking about the cure to the malaise and this is what I’ve got.

    • Soak in the malaise.  Sleep with it.  Shower in malaise.  And hope that it passes like a 24 hour bug (minus the bug).
    • Smother the malaise with mayonnaise.  They rhyme…it could totally work.
    • Buy some tea…and sip the malaise away without burning my tongue…or BURN my tongue and distract myself from the malaise.
    • Look at shorts and bathing suits online and realize HOW lucky I am RIGHT now that it’s the white of the snow burning my eyeballs and not the white of my legs…and you’re lucky too – so really this is the best one I’ve come up with so far.
    • Go to YouTube and watch videos of cute kittens.  This is effective but the results go away the moment you stop watching the videos which makes it slightly difficult to do things like, watch a child that has learned to scale the furniture or work.
    • Turn up the heat and put on summer clothing and pretend it’s really nice out. (Al Gore just died a little)

So, yeah.  In short none of my ideas are WORKING.  So, I ask you oh smart blog readers of mine: What do you do to cure your malaise?

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  • Elizabeth: February 17th, 2010 at 4:52pm

    Hmmm. I don't suppose you want to hear "move to California"? Let me think. Here's my ideas: buy yourself some daffodils plant something (maybe start some seeds). get some chocolate, some popcorn, a sappy movie, and your most comfy pajamas, and really WALLOW in the malaise maybe buy some springy new sheets? Or paint something a fun springy color?

  • AndreAnna (Modern Matriarch): February 17th, 2010 at 5:03pm

    Ok, how does not seeing me in THREE days not eliminate any malaise? I mean, MY GOD woman, I DANCE FOR YOU.

  • Corina: February 17th, 2010 at 5:22pm

    Well, taking a drive is probably out of the question if there's still snow on the roads where you are...so The Malaise might just be plain ol' Cabin Fever. And until you can leave the house, it might stick around. I agree with the color theme...maybe get some actual colors and big sheets of paper. Draw something funny and get Lexi to add her own art...then hang 'em up for a day or two.

  • Anne: February 17th, 2010 at 6:03pm

    The sausage and bacon pizza I'm eating right now is working quite well, though I suspect the effect is short-term. See also: the chocolate truffles I ate earlier. The best thing I do to up my productivity and snap out of it is SET A TIMER, because when it comes to motivation I am a three year old. "Okay, I only have to (clean/study/work/whatever) for FIFTEEN minutes, until the timer goes off, and then I can watch another kitten video on youtube."

  • Rougeneck: February 17th, 2010 at 7:23pm

    I like the idea of smothering the malaise with mayonnaise. But I basically like the idea of smothering *anything* with mayonnaise. Also? You could totally order another ball cake. I think that would kick malaise's butt big time.

  • Kirsten: February 17th, 2010 at 7:39pm

    Make lists. Whenever I'm in one of those moods where all I want to do is lie in bed and watch trashy television (not that I've been able to do that recently), I say to myself "Kirsten, there are things you need to get done and once you've done at least one thing, then you can wallow some more." Usually by the time I start doing my list I've snapped out of it.

  • Harmzie: February 17th, 2010 at 8:03pm

    I like the way you think, but I usually tend to wallow in #1. Except for the showering. JK. I force the showering. I like the idea of making lists, except that tends to be what I do when I'm on FIRE. Plus if I make list when I have TM, it reminds me of all the crap I have not yet done.

  • Dawn: February 18th, 2010 at 12:03pm

    I read that same article! (Really recently too. Weird.) And I thought to myself "Hey! I can't remember the last time I had The Malaise! I totally want to use that the next time I do though. Ha! The Malaise. That is the perfect name for it!" And then yesterday? Holy Malaise. Wow. My only cure is to *make* myself do something. Last night, it was church for Ash Wednesday, then I came home & made myself put away the clean laundry and do 30 minutes of random "housework." It helped. I have totally asked people to hold me accountable (I better not appear online in the next 30 minutes!) in the past & even tried a "Hey! Who wants to do a mini-challenge? 30 minutes of housework starting now!" No one ever bites & they totally don't hold me accountable, the enablers. =P

  • Madame Queen: February 18th, 2010 at 2:20pm

    The Malaise? I haz it too. It's a winter thing, I'm convinced. Not enough warm air and not enough real sunshine. Here's what I'm doing to get through -- constant repetitions in my head of "Spring will be here soon, spring will be here soon, spring will be here soon." But i got to tell ya, it's not working very well.

  • Sara @ Belle Plaine: February 19th, 2010 at 9:14am

    Sleep. And more sleep. I am not of the "do more" variety. Because when you wake up it will be summer! Yahooo!

People watching

by casscomerford • February 12th, 2010 • posted in My two cents

I’m working from Starbucks today.  I enjoy working here because it gets me out of the house and I like peppermint mochas with whip cream (I totally get skim milk to cancel out the whip….don’t wreck my world).  The people watching at this particular Starbucks is fantastic.  I like to do this fun thing where I take one fact (in bold) and then I create the back story…its a fun game.  So far today I’ve seen:

…a girl that was broken up with a few days ago.  She was sobbing to him.  It wasn’t her fault.  See, she got in a car accident.  And she called him to come pick her up and she had told him that she was at work late…but the car wasn’t in the direction of coming from work.  She was in the completely wrong place…and he knew that it must have been her ex-boyfriend, Ethan.  Ethan had been reaching out to her for weeks and he knew it – but he didn’t think that she’d go as far to see him again.  The accident was a sign.  He was done.  She is devastated.  She’s on her way to Ethan’s house now.  He’ll take her back – her mother is going to kill her – she knows Ethan is all wrong for her.  And he is.

…a man comes in with a stack of newspapers.  He’s looking for a new job and he has a date this weekend with his Match.com pick and he realized this morning that it’s Valentines Day and he doesn’t know if he should get her a present and he also has NOTHING to say to the chick because he’s spent the last three weeks online hopping between Golf.com and watching clips of the super bowl on replay.  He’s a big colts fan.  He’s struggling as much as Peyton.  He’s found an article he think he can discuss…I feel like I should maybe help him.  He’s not going to spark a match talking about the success ratio of heart surgery.  Yeish.  This guy is in trou-ble.

…well hello Fresh from Botox Lady.  Leggings, really?  Wow.  She’s easily in the 58+ club and she’s working the leggings.  Compensating much?  Well, yes she is.  Her husband left her a little less then a year ago.  She took the massive diamond that once was on her finger and threw it into the necklace she’s wearing like a purple heart (not an awful idea).  She has checked out every single man that has walked in the door – she’s got a score card on her iPhone.  She laughs at the bald ones.  That’s rude lady – you can’t even move your forehead….judging is not cool.  She fantasizes about her trainer…

…Dad that was delegated with his son chases his son in.  Oh sweet jesus I just felt my ovaries shut down.  This kid has not stopped moving for one hot second – he just scaled the garbage can to march on the coffee bar. His wife is an interior decorator and she’s showing someone their home and she made him come home so that he could take Jack out of the house.  They’re happy and exhausted.  He’s successful and trying to be patient with this whole Interior Decorating thing…he doesn’t understand her need to have an identity outside of chasing Jack.  They’re trying to get pregnant…..she’s scared as hell it’s going to be another boy.  She’s not sure she can handle it.  But she has a box of little dresses that she bought before they found out Jack was a boy and she wants to put them on a baby.  She’s googled how to conceive a girl every single week for the last 4 months.

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  • Amanda: February 12th, 2010 at 4:08pm

    That is awesome. I think that is better than some of the books I've read and many of the movies I've seen. I love it. :)

  • Kellie: February 12th, 2010 at 5:07pm

    People watching is, by far, one of my most favorite things to do. I love to create little background story lines for them.

  • AndreAnna (Modern Matriarch): February 12th, 2010 at 6:13pm

    I love your little stories! I could people watch all day long. That little boy in your last story? MY KID.

  • Anne: February 13th, 2010 at 2:49pm

    I thought I was the only one who did this!! This is one of my fave past times, when I have a moment alone out in public.

  • Dawn: February 18th, 2010 at 11:50am

    HA!! That is awesome! I love people-watching--especially at Disney World, there is some prime opportunities there, let me tell you!--but I have never thought to take it the extra step. That could be a fun game to pass the time while waiting.