Things in life are sometimes difficult and they don’t really belong online – so I’ve returned to the safety of a moleskin journal for my inner dialog for a bit here.  Sometimes, I’m learning, that keeping your inside voice inside is not good – but there is a difference between letting it out and putting it out there for the whole world. So I’m whispering in my old school journal that I will one day throw in the box of journals I have written since I was a little girl.  Where I wrote about what an idiot Lathen* was and how much it hurt with *Tanthony broke my heart.  I’ve changed their names….see I’m all about protecting the guilty assholes innocent.

All of this has me living in two completely different dimensions however and it’s frankly exhausting.  When Lexi is awake I’m in the present – I’m in the moment – wondering why the hell she can’t communicate and just tell me what the hell she wants because signing MORE only helps when you’ve JUST had it – and when you’ve had NOTHING for 2 hours napping and you wake up signing MORE when a big mama grin I can only assume you want more sleep and I’m happy to let you sleep longer and I leave and you let me know (and not very calmly) that that is NOT WHAT YOU WANTED – I’m soaking up every good wonderful beautiful second.  Even though I joke – I am.  I let the little stuff go when she’s awake and we have fun – constantly – today we had a parade in Target where she was beating a wooden spoon on this big bowl (seriously I’ve always wanted a bowl this big and I just bought it!  I’m sad – I get excited over ridiculously large bowls that have no place to be stored.) and rather then being worried about “what the others will think” and shushing her I clapped for her because SHE figured out it made noise all on her own.  And she liked the noise.  And god bless her she should get to make whatever noise she wants to in this world – she is perfection.

But when Lexi goes to bed – it’s different.  I think about the future – I focus on it.  About what could be – about what I want – about what I want for all of us.  I think about dreams on my life list and I just wonder.  So much can happen in a year – last year I had this little caterpillar who was just starting to lick her lips for a taste of sweet potato and was rolling around.  And this year I have this bubbly giggly little girl who runs and squeals from one side of the house to the other – who lifts her hands up to you when she wants a snuggle – who shakes it when she hears a little jingle – who is my everything.

We were watching Little Einstein’s in bed this morning because Lexi decided that she could not be in her crib alone for one more minute at 5:23am – and they were faced with a problem – there was a big rock directly in front of them and they had to decide if they were going to go over the rock – around the rock or through the rock.  And I laughed – because even these little classical music loving cartoons have a rock to work around.