I was thinking about TFT all day yesterday and it turns out that I can’t actually have a thought when I’m as anxious as I am. I’ve always been a pretty anxious person….sometimes I call it worry and other times I call it plain freaking out. Usually my response to this anxiety is to plan for the best, plan for the most likely and then think about the worst case scenario so that I could develop a plan if I needed to. The issue is that my worst case scenario’s are all so awful that I get hung up on them and they spur more anxiety. Seeing as my planning isn’t working I’m going to subject you all to my list of “Doom”. I get that this is for my benefit and probably not at all interesting to you – so mark as read and don’t have a second thought about it.

1. Mom and Grandma are coming today and there is SO much still that I wanted to have done before. And it’s not done. And I ran myself like crazy yesterday from 4-9pm to try to get it all done and when I tried to relax at 9 the FH was finally home and in an awful mood from the day and had me up “talking” ie LISTENING to him complain for about an hour….I don’t want to be un-supportive but I just don’t have any more to listen to. It’s always all about “him” he didn’t ask how I was until I prompted him and then he just tuned me out entirely and starting thinking about the next thing he needed to say. I felt really alone and disappointed and it sucked.
2. Work is stressing me out. A lot of people are trying to get things wrapped up and kicked off before I leave and I’m feeling a bit like an island – I want to be giving my best but I know that I’m not operating at top Cass level….I’m at about 90% so I’m compensating with hours. Lots of them. Plus with my desk and everything right in my living room it’s difficult to just sit and relax and watch tv when I know that I could be accomplishing something.
3. We have our 3D ultrasound on Saturday with all the Mom’s coming. I was talking to Pocklock about this before she had hers earlier this week and she made me feel a little bit better by telling me that she was stressed about it but I’m still feeling stressed about it. The What If questions just continue to fill my brain; what if she’s not a Lexi and she’s and Alexander, what if she turned around again and is now back to sitting like a lady, what if I see the cord wrapped around her neck, what if she doesn’t cooperate and I don’t get confirmation on her four limbs, and here’s the worst one….what if I see that something is not right….and this one keeps on coming until she’s in my arms….what if I did something wrong…I scooped the litter a couple of times while the FH was away…I wore gloves but what if. It has been my job and my job alone to keep her safe and perfect and what if I failed – this little girl deserves the very best of everything and what if I failed her. What if I was so busy working and stressing about stuff that doesn’t even matter that I somehow have caused damage to my little girl. How would I live with myself?
4. You can’t get that far into the anxiety circle before you pull out the “any one of us could die” card. People die. It’s the only certainty in life – sometimes you know its coming and sometimes you just don’t and the path that’s left in your wake is completely your responsibility.
5. On top of all of those big things I have little things that are weighing on my mind like invoices and bills and returning shirts to Old Navy and going to the post office for stamps and setting up a new computer at the FH’s office and manicures and shower thank you notes and on. and on. and on. Like dishes and laundry – it seems I’m always DOING them – they never GET DONE. There’s never been a point without a single item that needed to be in this cycle, dirty, washed, dried, folded, put away. I just want it all to be DONE at one point. And I want to live in that moment. Yesterday as I was going crazy cleaning and as I put the clean sheets on two different beds I thought “laundry is done” and then I smelled myself and realized the outfit I was wearing was in fact DONE but in a whole new way and the pants happen to be the most comfortable ones I have right now so sweet mother of pearl do I DO another load of laundry? And for the love of small children why is it that the cats need to sit on me increases exponentially as the humidity rises? WHY?

I feel better that it’s out. So if you did actually read this, have no fear about me jumping off a bridge today.