My Dad loathes dandelions – I’m not sure that is a strong enough word choice – he thinks they are the worst thing ever. I can find them obnoxious when they are that bright cheery yellow color….but then they turn into wishes…and everyone needs to have some wishes worth spreading around. 
Dear Lexi,
I’ve been doing the heavy sigh a lot today. You’ll probably catch this from me – you already do it to a degree. It seems that we process our biggest thinking thoughts in those extended exhales. The thought that triggers them can happen days or weeks earlier – we hold on to that thought like a star in our pocket and with each audible hush of air we figure out a way to let it shine a bit more.
If you ask people that know me to describe me one of the words that will come up is that I am strong. There have been times when I have been in pieces – but not once have I been broken. There have been very difficult times when the only thing to do was the next thing and the trick was to always do the next thing. Part of me wants to let it all out here on this page tonight. Part of me wants for you to never know a thing about the hard days. I pray every single night that you will not have to be this kind of strong.
The thing about being strong is you sometimes forget how to not be.
It’s scary to be vulnerable – it’s scary to show your soft side. It’s scary under normal circumstances. But when you’ve been through things – when you’ve had someone take your soft spots and use them in a battle of words….it becomes paralyzing. As I have tears running down my face I realize that I have no idea what to tell you about this topic. I have no idea how to open myself up to someone else trusting them. And I want to. I want to so badly. I want to know that I can trust someone to not hurt me. To not leave. To be true. I want to show you that happens. I want you to see things work out. I want to see them work. I don’t want you to only know how strong I can be. I want you to know that I am brave enough to not be strong. I want to be brave enough to not be strong.
I know this: It will be okay and we all have to try. Or we will be left to wonder.
Lexi, heavy sigh if you must….then shine. I can’t express to you how much I love watching it happen.
Love you to all the moons,
Mommy
Posted by Cass Comerford | 0 commentsI sit down to write and I have nothing. I want to offer something here….but I don’t know what…so I close the browser window and move on with the day. I get caught up in the “offering” of the blog sometimes. I want this place to do something great….and I forget that the thing I wanted it to do first and best was just help me remember – to give me perspective – to be there for Lexi. It wasn’t about “readers” or growing my personal brand. It’s easy to forget.
The weather has been nearly perfect for the last 10 days(ish). Last Sunday Lexi and I started our morning on the front porch, marinating in the sunshine, me with coffee and a book, Lexi singing songs to Mandy, picking loads of flowers from around the house, dancing. It was the kind of morning I have always dreamed of.
We packed up a little later and went to our first baseball game of the season. We normally don’t go to day-games but this was great and Lexi got to meet Mitzy the girl mascot and after the game the kids ran the bases. When we got to the line Lexi gave me a tight squeeze and a glance to confirm that she could do this and I adjusted her little baseball hat and told her I’d meet her at the end of the bases. Watching her run around the bases, slapping hands with the mascots and coaches I had tears. My big girl. It’s so hard to wrap my head around it.
Monday I did a photoshoot with a local yoga showroom – it was so much fun. By the time I got home that night I was high from the smiles and the enthusiasm. I know that photography is not a “now” thing for me but I love that I can be open enough to let it be a sometime thing.
The business continues to flourish in nearly every way. It is awesome and difficult – I am really feeling the growing pains right now in transitions of roles, in people stepping up, in just being clear about how these things are evolving. The to-do list is never empty. My inbox is not at zero. I’m learning to adjust to this new normal and to press mute on it all at least a few nights and over the weekend.
I taught a class at Rochester Brainery on Thursday. Thursday was a mixed bag of really hard and really great stuff. It ended on the great. The class was thoughtful, engaged, there were a number of aha moments that made me think this was all really worth while.
I went back to crossfit. I wasn’t shamed for not being there in the last few months (well except for Kyle) and the workout was great. I have lost a number of pounds in the last four months…combination of being happy, being stressed, eating exactly what I want (hello bread I had missed you) and stopping when I’d had enough. I want to keep this progress and get stronger.
Friday night was the Sojourner House 30th Anniversary Casino Night – I learned how to play black-jack and had a seriously great time with everyone that was at our table.
The patio is nearly finished in the back and I can’t wait until our nights can be spent hanging out and reading stories on it – toasting with friends – roasting marshmallows.
I don’t want to forget this. I don’t want to look back at the blur of a week and not have these amazing moments to look back on. It wasn’t all great – there were some breakdowns (Lexi: 3 – one epic one at Peter Pan; Mommy: 2), Mandy ate a box of frozen pancakes, I probably drank too much – I told Lexi to wait two minutes a number of times when I should have had other things waiting two minutes. But it is all part of a life I cherish so….I may not be serving my audience of “readers” but I’m doing this for me and for Lexi and for 20 years from now.
Posted by Cass Comerford | 0 comments
I’ve been a solo entrepreneur for a really long time in the land of small businesses. I’ve been the one-man-shop - occasionally working with others but preferring things stay small.
Everything really does have a time. And as I type this tonight I just admitted to the world (okay it was just Facebook & LinkedIn) that I’m taking the next step. That I’ve actually already taken it. Tonight caprastrategy.com went live. It’s a really big deal in my life.
Why?
Because it’s a company – one I’m really proud of. It was thoughtfully created, curated with fun and a whole lot of joy and it has that thing that has been calling me this entire year: POSSIBILITY.
I’m no longer “just doing my own thing” minimizing the work that I do. Because what I do is freaking awesome and I love it and I adore the people I get to do it with and IT MATTERS.
It matters. I guess that’s the thing that is resonating like a bell tonight for me. It matters. And I’m saying so, proudly.
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Dear Lexi,
It’s 3 in the afternoon and you are snuggled upstairs sleeping in your little bed soundly. You were up a lot of the night being sick – my poor little bug. I felt so awful for you – I wished that I could be sick for you – I wished I could have stopped it from waking you and scaring you but all I could do was settle you and wipe your face with a cool washcloth and hum. So I did those things.
Luckily we haven’t had this experience too frequently – this is only the second time you’ve been this kind of sick and I can’t even tell you how grateful I am for that. I can handle a lot of things with ease….but vomit is not on the list. Not at all. Because we are relative rookies at this I am currently doing 12 loads of laundry. Yes. I counted. When you realize you have more than five you must establish a countdown. So I have some lessons that I learned between 11 and 3am this morning for when you are a Mommy (which is a topic you are currently very high on).
I love you bug. I’m glad you’re feeling better and it will always be okay. Don’t be afraid, I’m here for you. For always.
Love,
Mommy
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