I’m a couple of hours away from saying goodbye to my twenties.

I’m a rush of happy emotion.

I am more excited about what comes next in my life then I can ever remember.

Every day I come closer to dreams – I smile more – I live fuller – I give with my whole heart.

I am grateful.

In the biggest, purest, most real way that I know how…I am grateful.

For a long time my blog had a little “and then…”

Tonight I changed it.

And now…for the good part.

I’ve been quiet.  After a few concerned e-mails I realized I needed to post something and soon.  I’m good.  I’m actually better then good – I’m really pretty happy.  Life has been incredibly full lately and I’ve been savoring it and thinking a lot about how close I want to hold my cards.  Turns out, it’s pretty close.  Know this, I’m smiling a lot.

It starts again on August 30th…

Back in the summer of 2009 I was introduced to Mondo Beyondo and I signed up for the class in October.  It changed me in the way that the best things that come into your life change you.  I went from driven to dreaming and out of all the shifts in my life over the last two years I am most grateful for that one.

If you’ve been questioning if you’re on the right path….this course is for you.
If you wonder if you’ve lost who you are….the version that lives way down in the very bottom of your soul….this course is for you.
If you’ve been wondering “is this it” ….take this course.

I’ve taken the course twice and participated in their summer dreaming event and every time I’ve gone in with a different thought, a mission, an intention and I’ve never been disappointed.  It is what you make of it.  But what they give you in this course is an opportunity.

Those dreams that you once had, they matter.  Dream them..even the big ones.

I took this shot last night – the sun was doing that magic dancing thing and while this shot is over exposed and wrong in a lot of ways…it’s a pretty awesome glimpse into my evenings.

I haven’t done a This Week I Will…in a few weeks.  They’ve all been rolling into one another – without milestones or down time to give me a clue as to what day of the week it is let alone day of the month.  So this week I’m keeping it simple:

1. Get back into our morning run/walks.  We’re up early enough I don’t need that whole time to fret about the day and sip coffee.
2. Take a run solo at least one time and go at exactly the pace I want to for exactly as long as I want to.
3. Make Veggie Lasagna and enjoy the task of chopping everything up by hand.
4. Go to the zoo.
5. Exceed a business goal – even if its just one of the 15,000 I have to do this month it would be great if I could exceed ONE this week.
6. Turn my cell phone off between 4-8 two nights this week.  A few people just got really nervous (I’m also turning the house phone off).
7. Pack a picnic and head to the beach on Thursday night.
8. Plan a trip to Chicago.

I appreciated the suggestions on my last two weeks of twenty and after quite a few e-mails with good friends I decided that the year of 30 is going to be the best yet and that I’m frankly thrilled to leave the roller coaster of my twenties in the past with fond memories.  In celebration of this I’m going to do a year in photos – committing to take one picture every single day….some days they will be self portraits (a personal challenge for me) and others they will be random glimpses.  But I’m excited about the challenge and the commitment of making this next year one that is full frame and in focus – that line right there was in my head all day long and grew from smelly cheese to rank cheese – and yet, I still use it.  You’re welcome.

Self Portrait in magic light…I like it.  (admitting that is frightening)

Earlier today I went to Grass Island Park to scope out places for my photoshoot today – it is right around the corner from the Farmer’s Market so Lex and I took a walk, explored, took some test shots and I figured out my game plan for the shoot this afternoon.  We ate warm peaches, had an awesome morning, napped and I dropped Lex with her GaGa and Poppi.  I arrive at the shoot location about 30 minutes ahead of time.  And I died.  There was a gigantic family reunion going on and the tide was at FLOOD LEVELS.  We’ve had no rain, this party didn’t have a pass – because I had called to confirm earlier that morning and when you have more then 100 people you need a pass.  So, I quickly thought about an alternate location and even though it was a few minute drive I think it was worth it.  The moral here is – shoot where you know.

In two weeks I will no longer be a Twenty-Something.  In a shocking turn of events I never did create a list of thirty things to do before I’m thirty.  I’ve made no plans for the big day – I’ll work – that’s for sure…probably have dinner with the family.  I feel like I need one last adventure in my twenties.

If you could arrange for one last adventure in your 20’s what would it be?  I’m seeking inspiration so put it out there.

So tonight as Lexi and I are driving home passing Elmo Pet cards back and forth making the animal noises my phone rings and because a lot of people call me on my cell I just answer it even if the number isn’t familiar.

It was the stander-upper.

But.  In an embarrassing turn of events it turns out I had the wrong day.  I wasn’t stood up.   In fact, it looks as though technically I was the offending party.   I was a fast reading, over-doing, multi-tasking moron.  Woops.  I do think that the feeling of being stood-up was a good thing for me to go through – having that occur really told me a lot about where I’m at: it didn’t make me want to run home and cry – it just made me want to try again.  So all in all its a really good thing.

I got an IM from my Mom today giving me a little poke to post pictures from Lexi’s birthday party up because my Gram was asking her (regularly) so I got that posted here if you’re interested.

And then a friend e-mailed me with items on my Life List that they’d like to help me with.  Which, if we’re being honest, is the fastest way to get into my heart…tell me that my dreams are important and offer to help make them come true.  Everyone should get a little of that today.

In talking with about 40 Coaches today I feel like it’s only fitting that I call a Huddle:

Team, tomorrow is Friday, it’s the start of the weekend.  I want you to go out there and get ‘em.  Block, box out, rotate and do formations and stuff and for the love of Arnold Palmer run your asses off after that goal line.  Whatever your goal line is.

Friday afternoon in the city we were wandering around and a street vendor caught my eye.  Being in manhattan frequently my eye is pretty critical to the street vendor population – but this was different.  The link and information that was provided with these etchings was incorrect or I would share it here.  I purchased this work of art.  I had intended to give it as a gift….but as it’s sat on my desk for the last few days I realize that I adore it and that I must hang it in a place that I will see it all of the time.  Here’s a picture of it – I’m opting to share a crappy cell phone image here because I don’t want my post to dilute the quality of the craftsmanship that this piece is – it’s – stunningly detailed.

Under the piece is scrawled …and you will hear the songs of birds…

Isn’t it just delightful?  Doesn’t it just make you feel hopeful and alive.  I love the statement.  It’s not you may hear them, or if you listen, or if you see some birds. It’s that you will.  ”Will” is an awesome word, right?  Every day I probably say the conjunction “I’ll” a lot.  I shorten the I will….and with the loss of two letters I feel like you lose the commitment.  I’m making a point from now until then (then being when I forget) to start making my commitments with I will.  I will see you tomorrow – I will deliver on my forecast – I will be back in an hour – I will talk to you soon – I will.

Try it.  I hear the secret to success is doing what you say you’re going to do. So when I tell you that I will – you can count on that.  I will.

I was stood up.  I’m just going to put it out there.  It’s part of the journey.  In some ways I think it’s better then having a truly awful experience….it was a nothing experience.  For a few minutes as I was driving home from Starbucks I was bummed….I don’t care how awesome you are – being blown off burns…but then I got over it, thought “whatev” and got to snuggle Lexi before my late meeting of the week.  But it got me to thinking about how awful the whole anonymous nature of dating today is.  There is no dirty look from across the cafeteria to the offending party – there isn’t a dramatic run in before Eco 203 – there isn’t even an awkward encounter in the office water cooler or at the next holiday party of mutual friends.  There isn’t justice for bad behavior.

How is it that this is done again?  I thought I was ready to jump in the pool a while ago – I wasn’t.  I tried again today and it just made me realize I don’t have any desire to jump in to this particular pool.  I feel like I need a MatchMaker or maybe an arranger of such things.    In fact the whole nature of arranged marriage seems a little bit awesome to me – I mean clearly just picking someone and saying I do doesn’t necessarily resolve in a happily ever after situation these days.  An arranged marriage on the other hand feels like there are REAL consequences not just the division of life and assets (which is no walk in the park) its like you’d lose an entire limb…or at least a critical finger.   Now, from Royal Pains (which lets be honest my only “real” life experience with arranged marriage happens on USA or Lifetime), it seems that I’d need to be adopted by a lovely Indian family to find an arranger….this being unlikely I’m not sure where to turn next.

At dinner on Saturday Alice was telling me of a friend that is letting the Internet pick her dates…well that seems like an interesting idea.  I asked several people this weekend to just take over this task completely – BurghBaby was interested but I believe she was using it as a ploy to find a suitable mate in the Burgh as to lure me there – in fact that was a recurring theme “using men as bait” to new cities and Pseudostoops has a freaking arsenal of men that are scattered across the entire world…none, however in the lovely Greenwich.  And I actually really like Greenwich.

I love the movie Under the Tuscan Sun (I tried to read the book and in a strange occurrence the movie was actually better).  At the end she closes her eyes to reflect and right when she least expected it a ladybug landed.  I believe that’s how it works.  But if one weren’t patient enough for a ladybug to land I think arranged marriage is brilliant.  I think it’s clear where my patience level is.

My breasts haven’t been handled this much in months (a lot of months) and god I so wish it were in another situation.  Every year for the rest of my life I’ll be checked and re-checked and then checked again for breast cancer.  My Mom being a survivor – a thriver really , she just doesn’t get by, she freaking rocks my world – puts me in that high-risk territory.

When your body is laying at an angle in a closet with the lights dim and a wedge under your right side and at least one stranger in the room evaluating the globs and blood flow in your best asset…well…your mind wanders.

The ceiling is that awful drop ceiling stuff and you’re left to count the tiles so that you can distract yourself from things like cancer and death and the smell of chemo as its going into people and the smell of chemo as its killing the death out of people.  There was something to look at today – and it caused one person to look – and then another person – and then a third person and then an entire team of people.  Each time the door shuts behind them in consultation you create a new bargain for yourself:

The first time you think: I will NEVER talk about how I have great boobs – hell I’ll get rid of them tomorrow – just let me be there for my baby – let me be here to see her grow up – let her know me.

The second time they leave you go into the bargaining:  I’ll be a better person – I’ll donate more to those foundations.  But I already do.  And each time I press submit on them I am, in my own way, telling those cancer cells to go away – I’ll throw money at you – just stay the hell away from me and the people I love.

The third time they all leave you think: Okay, this is clearly not good.  You’re going to be fine.  Medicine is an incredible thing.  You will be fine.  You have to be fine.  You must be.  You can’t miss any of this.  It’s too good.  This living thing is so sweet and you’re finally getting it.  You must be okay.  You must.

On their last entrance into my closet (you can’t qualify that space as a room) they gave me the all clear – “you’re fine” they said – we’ll see you in a year.  And they close the door and leave me to mop up the gel and the tears and I promise to do everything that I pleaded to get the chance to do on each of their exits.  And then I exhaled – spent some time doing a puzzle with Lexi, took in the smell of her hair and whispered I love you about a million times.  I’m not taking this whole life thing for granted – not for one minute.

Have you felt yourself up lately?  Do it.