Dear Lexi,

I haven’t written you a letter in a long time but there seems to be a theme in my life right now and I can only think that this is meant to drive me to share this with you.  Life is very short.  Even people that get to live a really long time always want another day because each day has this magical sweetness, a fresh moment, the hug or thought of a loved one and each day, regardless of struggle or pain has possibility and huge value.

There are going to be times in your life where you will feel wronged.  You may feel slighted and hurt.  And those feelings are okay to feel.  It’s important to recognize them when they come up for you and you’ll have to express them in some way – maybe you’ll cry, maybe you will write it out or you will always be able to pick up the phone and call me and tell me all about it.  However you deal with them I want you to do it for you and try when possible to not inflict those same feelings on your offender.  It may feel like your only option to hurt back…but it’s not and I promise you from lots of experience that in the long run it will not serve you.  And that’s what you want out of your life: You want your actions to serve as a reflection of who you are.  And you, my sweet girl are kindness, forgiveness, hope and joy.

When you are feeling wronged I want you to ask yourself some questions:

I want you to question if the person that wronged you knew of their action…if it was there intention.  When it is there intention that person does not deserve you.  You may choose one day to forgive them but you should know that intentions in life are very important and peoples intentions do not shift or change from bad will easily.

I want you to question if this is truly important to you.  It’s easy to get worked up in a moment to then later realize that this is not so important.  Consider if the offense would even be remembered in a year…and if you did remember it would you laugh?  Let the unimportant stuff go.  It adds weight to you in a way that is not seen on scales but is seen on your heart and your faith.  Let it go – if you need help remembering this I will be there to tell you.

When it is family you give a pass.  We all get one family.  It’s how this works.  By the time this is relevant for you I hope that you have a very full family – it’s not going to be ‘conventional’ in the Cleaver way but you probably have no idea who The Beaver is so it’s really irrelevant.  We’re all family – Daddy, Me and everyone in between we’re always going to be family because that’s how it works. And there will be times that someone will do something that hurts someone else and it stings a lot when it’s family – it does – but you get one.  You get one family Lexi and no one gets cut out….at the end of the day there are dozens of people standing in your corner and you better believe that most of them will be your family.  They will make signs for you when you play big games, they will cheer you on at your graduation, they will hand you a tissue when you’re saying good bye to someone you love, they will send you e-mails when you’re having a low day, they will always want you to come home.  For this reason you give them a pass – you believe implicitly that any hurt was unintentional and you communicate with them how you feel so that they can do better….because when you screw up, and one day you will you will want that in return.

Say you’re sorry.  Say it out loud.  You don’t have to tell the person that hurt you that you’re sorry today.  I know how hard that is.  But say it out loud.  Say how you’re sorry – say why.  Let it sit out there for a few minutes.  And then I want you to give yourself the apology you think you’re owed.  Pretend like it’s coming from the person that has done you wrong.  And then ask yourself if you need to hear it from them.  And if you do ask for it.  Ask for what you want from people Lexi.  It will be hard sometimes to do this.  But if you don’t ask I promise you that there will be times that you wish you had.  I’ve never regretted asking for something that my heart needed.

And when a person comes to you and tells you that you have hurt them.  And someday this will happen.  I want you to listen.  I want you to hear how – I want you to hear it before you start compiling reasons and excuses.  Because when you’ve hurt someone those things don’t matter.  Two things matter: Saying you’re sorry and meaning it.  And meaning it involves trying to be better, to do better, to behave in a way that makes that apology true.

Life is short my baby.  As you slumber and dream your baby dreams I want to protect you from all of it – I want to make sure that your life and the lives of all that you love is long and sweet.  That’s not likely though so I will want you to be prepared and to be aware so that you can share your joy, your laugh, your kindness.  Because it is your gift.  And when you say goodbye to people as they pass I want you to know in your heart that they are only as gone as you allow them to be for I promise you they will be watching you and loving you for eternity.

I love you.

Mommy

The month of March was my “no cheese” resolution month.  Heres the thing.  I really like cheese – I started strong on March 1st but then on Tuesday there was cheese in my salad and it just seemed wrong to eat around it – it complemented the cinnamon sugar caramelized pecans SO nicely…it would have been rude to take away that pleasure.  And then Wednesday Lexi wanted cheesy eggs for breakfast and I wasn’t about to just throw out those delicious cheesy eggs when she decided she’d rather have Cheerio’s.  And then the real killer came on Thursday when Jess suggested we go to Melting Pot for dinner.  And so my “no cheese” month turned into LOTS of cheese month.  I’m embracing the failure though.  Some things I’m just not meant to live without.  Cheese is on the top half of that list.

I had a black eye for a couple days.  And the cause is embarassing and funny.  I was working and holding my coffee mug as I do and I sneezed.  And because the mug feels like such an extension of my own self I didn’t move it and I slammed my face – more specifically my eye – directly in to the coffee cup.  The force of a sneeze is really startling.  So yeah.  A black eye.  I’m awesome.

Lets see what else have I failed at lately….taking pictures.  It’s been a week since I picked up my camera.  Between the black eye and Lexi looking like she had a run in with a very mean toddler (we’re not coordinated…or graceful we make up for it in charm) and Mandy being all up in my face it’s been difficult.  And it’s the start of spring but everything still looks very much like winter.  Those are all bad excuses though.  So I got out the camera today and I’m going to take pictures of something.  I just don’t know what yet.

I’m at the library again today.  Yesterday when I was here I got SO much accomplished it was almost scary.  The quiet, the wirring of the ventilation system, the people watching it’s just MAGICAL.  It’s like Starbucks but better and free and no desert bar to distract me.  Yesterday I was purchased a cappuccino by a man that I can estimate at about 78 years old….although he’s probably in his 80’s and just looks that good for his age.  My first pick up.  Today the goal is to get picked up by someone less then 75.  A girl can dream.

Today I wanted a do-over.  I actually needed a do-over that started at about 7pm on Monday night and went right on through until…well past now, that’s for sure.  *I nearly just died because the cats just tipped over something that sings and shakes and my nervous system can’t handle that kind of stuff*

I needed to help with some business stuff last night and that took me until about 11 and one of two things happens at 11pm I’m either passed out from a medically induced sleep OR I start to think.  If you’ve ever had a hard time sleeping I can tell you that the absolute worst thing for it is thinking.  Thinking is like a Red Bull/Amp combo.  And when you do get to sleep you will have the worst dreams full of every anxious point you’ve ever felt in your entire life.  It’s heinous.

The working prevented the working out, the relaxing, the bathing, anything being accomplished on my to do list.  This of course leads to feelings of inadequacy, which leads to feelings of self pity, which leads to one thing: chocolate covered guilt.  Add that to a whooping 3.5 hours of sleep before Lexi was up as her cheery self and my productivity level today was low.  Stuff was accomplished but it was done at a minimally accepted standard level.

I tried to shake it off with a nap but I couldn’t sleep.  And this answered something I had long wondered: Just because you are tired does not mean you can sleep.  So I did what comes to me naturally and I got a pedicure.  It was enjoyable, the spring shade of Canyon Coral is everything I hoped it would be….but no more.  It  didn’t trigger a time warp, there was no do-over and the ambition was low and sinking.

A walk.  Showers.  Getting dressed in actual clothing.  Going out to dinner.  Accomplishing one thing on my list were all attempted.  Wine was drunk.  Additional chocolate was consumed (thanks Mandy & Maya we love you!).  And still I’m listless.  I call foul.  I didn’t intend on losing a whole day in this funk – that’s not what I WANTED.  So now I’m sitting here thinking about it – looking for the root cause in my energy zap – figuring out a way to eliminate it from any future day.  Because life is too short to want to do-over a whole day.

There is a balance to every day, week, month, year, life.  There are highs and there are lows.  There are pick me ups and drag me downs.  There is the in between – there is content…not CONTENT like a table of….but content as in ‘at ease with life’.   For every no there is a yes.  There is balance.

I love living in a place that has four seasons and every spring I am reminded of this as I put my flip flops on for the first time and think about the lightness of it all.  Without the wool socks and boots of winter I would never appreciate the lightness of the flip flop.  There is a joy of planning your first spring pedicure and thinking about the color you will splash on your toes…coral, no orange or maybe RED….maybe pink.  In the matter of a few days we’ll see new life start to bud on the trees here and it all seems so perfectly timed.

The goodness of spring is just surrounding me – ideas are growing, dreams are budding, lives are progressing.  It’s like the hibernation has done me good.  Everything isn’t coming up roses there is still a fair share of shit but I’m using it to fertilize the situation…to remind me that you have to deal with some shit to grow really pretty roses.  I’ve taken the anger and bitterness about the situation and I’ve let it go…I’ve decided that there will be a karmic fate dealt to those that have done me wrong and that I need not play a role in it at any level.  And that feels really good.

A month ago I was finding the solitude suffocating….and now I’m reveling in it.  At night when I take Mandy out I stand on the cold slate tiles in my bare feet and I look up to the stars and I’ll wait until a new one comes out.  The stars always come out…you either see them or you don’t.

There is this energy buzzing around me.
It’s not Lexi.  Although, she is also buzzing around me.
It’s just good stuff.  I feel like I’m on the right path.

I’m not sure where it goes.  But it feels RIGHT.
You know when you decide to take a new way to get to someplace you go all the time…and there are a few minutes where you’re all up in your head thinking “this was a bad idea, I have no idea where I am, this isn’t going where I thought it would” but then you make one right turn and Aha! There is STARBUCKS and the only thing you can do is sing the Eureka song from the Backyardigans!  Oh, wait.  Yeah, that’s just me then.  Okay.  But you know the feeling.  That’s the feeling buzzing in me right now.

On Monday Mondo Beyondo dreaming starts again and I am SO excited.  I think I should write that again because I am SO excited.  I was trying to explain why I was so excited to someone today and while they understood the positive nature of the class they didn’t understand why I would want to do it again…which I get.  I couldn’t come up with a good answer at the time but it’s been on my mind and this is where I’ve marinated to: The first time I did Mondo Beyondo I was beginning to accept myself for the dreamer that I am.  I was hopeful and energized by this community of people that would support you for the moments you doubted the validity and were there to high five you when you allowed yourself to MAKE your dreams real.  This time going into it I have the start of a list and I’ve felt the incredible bliss of accomplishing and experiencing my dreams coming true.  And now I get to dream bigger – I will allow myself to really soak in the warm light of positivity – I’ll believe more and I’ll be inspired.  And that….THAT is the good stuff.

Today we took a walk outside and we wore our fleece jackets.  Mandy jogged in the lightness of a warm(er) day.  Lexi laughed and threw her head back while swinging in the sunshine.  There is something that is in the sunshine that I just can’t seem to get in the bottle of Vitamin D I so religiously take all winter long.  It’s magic.

I’ve been working out really hard lately and it feels so good.  When I’m out of breath and the sweat is just dripping off my face and my legs are about ready to just give out I think: How lucky am I that I get to feel this – that I get to be THIS alive in this moment.  This hurts.  It does.  But my body can do this. The power in that pushes me through to the end of the workout.  I’m getting stronger.  In every way.

The big decisions that I need to make are being put away for the rest of the month of March.  I’m not making any of them this month.  They don’t need to be made yet and there is plenty of time to for that in April and May.  In the past I have not been able to do this – once a decision was put in front of me I had to make it – it wasn’t an option to let something simmer….I couldn’t be patient enough with myself.  And because of that I made some rather impulsive decisions….none of which I regret (except, a couple) and I’m going to give myself a lesson here and I’m going to let the idea of where we should be simmer.

For now there is a new Hallmark movie about to make its premier and this is exactly the kind of Saturday night I desire.  I hope you’re having a really awesome weekend!

I’m curious about this.  Do you read your horoscope?  Do you give any weight to signs?

I’m a virgo and let me assure you I am 100% virgo.  (The Virgo motto could be “Perfect is almost good enough.”)

When I read my horoscope for March I kind of got a little freaked out.  Because.  It is.  Spot. On.  (Excessive Periods for Emphasis)  Here’s an excerpt:

Just.  Dude.  What am I going to do on March 15th?

Today is one of those days that I feel I must write.  I have things to say, stuff to get out, posts in my head and yet this is my fourth attempt the other three posts now safely lost in the mess of drafts that I have left mid-completion over the last 3 years.

With the weight of February now off my shoulders I’ve been feeling a little adrift.  It’s like the day after you complete a huge project and you have this “now what” feeling…what I’ve been doing with this feeling is a lot of things that have nothing to do with each other leaving lots of things mid-completion.  Open items abound.  I’ve been leaving things in this state because I’m not sure how to handle more of that Now What feeling.  It seems like my entire life is in this NOW WHAT staging area and the next thing that happens is going to be awesome and exciting and all of this room has been made…but for what?

I have no idea where Lexi and I are going to be at the end of May.  Our lease is up June 1 and as I’m playing the role of the grown up I know that I need to move us to a place that will bring us more financial security.  (Being a grown up is sometimes not fun….I should have believed them when they told me.)  Part of me wants to return to Rochester and surround myself with lilacs in May and spend my afternoons on a picnic blanket working with wifi in a pool of sunlight (I may be wearing rose colored glasses…ahem) and Saturday nights at my brothers for camp fires and Sunday’s with my parents.  I could always move a bit north and still be in the area…but I feel the need for change.  Something about Brooklyn is calling me…but that seems especially crazy.  Maybe something completely new…but where?  We could follow friends to the mid-west – there I could spend more time pursuing photography because it isn’t a particular dense photographer population and the cost of living would permit me to dedicate the time needed.

Making these decisions is difficult and its contributing to this thing I’m calling SleepGate 2010.  So today I’m making a big decision.  I’m going to look for signs.  See where my heart and gut are pulling me.  And then I’m going to go with it.  And I’m going to just believe in the awesome and exciting finding me wherever we land.  Because I know it will.

I’ve been working on the spring giving campaign.  I’ve been tackling a room each day.  Sunday I did my bedroom and Monday I did the office and today I’m going to do the kitchen stuff.  There is a lot of stuff that I’ve been avoiding though: the baby stuff.

I turned off comments on this post (you can fill in the form but it will annoy you and say Sorry not accepting comments) because as appreciative as I am of everyones support I just need this one to sit out there without anyone assuring me that things will be a certain way when – no one knows.  I don’t know.  No one does.  What I do know is that it will be okay.  Whatever is in store will be great because I’m not going to accept anything BUT great.

There is a lot of baby stuff.  A baby bathtub, a baby carseat, a co-sleeper, newborn clothing that was worn in the hospital, a wipe warmer, jumpers, play centers, play mats, nursing pillows, a Snoogle, maternity clothing.  Everything.  When I put those things away I folded the little terry cloth footed sleepers and thought that I’d be putting them on another baby…I was sad at the time that my baby was growing but it was easier because there was this “other baby” in the future.  And now I don’t know.

There are people that could really use these items that are sitting in the basement.  They would make a difference for them and part of me wants to donate all of this stuff because the idea of it just sitting in the basement forever makes me so sad.  If not me, then someone should snuggle the newborn goodness in those little footies.  But giving these things away feels like I’m giving up hope in some way.  Like I’m giving away the dream of it being my newborn.

So I guess this is where I’m drawing the line on the giving.  If it makes me feel hopeful to have these items then I’m going to keep them because hope floats and I need more buoyancy right now.

I made a video to talk about this Spring Giving thing that my SFAM is talking about that Jill suggested.  I like making videos – I think I’m funny.  Other people don’t always agree…but I am.  I’m really funny in a sarcastic, self depreciating, facial expression, boob grabbing way.  For this reason I give you a video.  I also give you outtakes…these are mostly for my grandma who thinks that I’m awesome because I’m her favorite first grandchild.  And I always will be.  Because I’ll always be first.

So the essence if you don’t want to suffer roll your eyes study ENJOY my video is this: it’s Spring….everyone is feeling the positive vibes from this seasonal shift and we all have so much stuff – it’s the age of simplicity after all.  Lets all go and live a little simpler together while getting that good giving feeling.  For more information click on the button.

And now for the outtakes: